


It Takes An Ocean Not To Break

by Doriath



Category: Victorious (TV)
Genre: Drug Addiction, F/F, Heroin, Overdose, Past Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:21:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 25
Words: 37,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23383696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doriath/pseuds/Doriath
Summary: Ten years after graduating from Hollywood Arts, life isn't what anyone expected it to be.
Relationships: Also Tori/OC, Some background Beck/Trina, Tori Vega/Jade West
Comments: 11
Kudos: 87





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> This was posted on FF already a few years ago, but I've finally gotten around to cross-posting. Some edits made but essentially the same as it is over there. Not sure if I'll bring other stuff over here or not, but we'll see.  
> Fic title comes from the song "Terrible Love" by The National.

The first thing he notices is the overwhelming emptiness in the house. The air was strangely cold for mid-July, but it wasn't the air conditioning. The darkness that filled the space was more than just the absence of light. It was palpable and heavy.

He could tell by the way her voice sounded on the phone that something was wrong, very wrong. And it took a fair bit to shake up Jade West so he was wary. But nothing could prepare Andre Harris for what he found in the living room.

Jade sat like a ghost on the edge of her coffee table. The phone was still in her hand. Her eyes were glued to the huge saltwater fish tank on the opposite end of the room. Behind her, on the couch, was her oldest friend (and one of his oldest too), Cat Valentine.

No words of welcome, no bouncing hugs, no giggles, none of the usual Cat greeting. Just her body, lying there on the sofa, empty.

"Paramedics will be here soon," Jade said, her voice barely more than a whisper.

Andre realized than that he hadn't moved beyond the threshold leading into the room and forced himself to enter it. He walked over to Cat, checking her pulse, just in case…

He sat down beside Jade on the coffee table.

"That fish there, you see it," she pointed across the room at the tank. "The bright orange one. It's a flame angel. He's killed three clownfish that I've put in. They aren't normally that aggressive. And the clowns don't even do anything. It seems like they try to stay away from him most of the time. But then they go near him once and he just freaks out."

"Jade-"

"But even if they leave him alone, he'll hunt them down anyway. It's a 100 gallon tank. There's plenty of room. I don't know why he has to do that."

"Jade-"

She rose from her spot and walked over to the tank, not looking at him, definitely not looking at Cat. "You have Tori's number, right? You guys are still in touch?"

"Yeah," he replied, furrowing his brow. He and Tori talked on the phone fairly regularly, though it had been a few weeks since their last conversation. "Jade, what happened?"

She didn't answer him, her attention fixed on the fish tank.

He looked back over his shoulder. Cat's lips were blue and she had a look about her that he'd seen enough time to recognize now. The worst thing about Hollywood had proved to be how many times he saw that. Enough times to know it was too late for his friend. Another notch in heroin's belt.

He wanted to ask Jade if she had given it to Cat because he couldn't imagine why Cat would be using. Jade using didn't surprise him. It disappointed him. But it didn't surprise him. She had more success than any of them had after graduating. It had been ten years since they all left the brightly colored halls of Hollywood Arts and she had four Oscar nominations to her name and one win. The dreams of fame he and his friends had in high school had actually come true for Jade West. Theoretically, anyway. Happiness was something the girl clearly still hadn't found.

Cat had been moderately successful. She landed a role on a television show on the Dingo Channel. It was aimed at preteens and ran for four seasons. She did a couple teen flicks and romantic comedies and then that was that. Cat was a free spirit though and she didn't really dream of success the way the others did. She just enjoyed what she had when she had it. She was special that way. So why the drugs?

He wanted to stay calm. Jade had called him because he was one of her only friends. Quite possibly the only friend left. He knew she hadn't stayed in touch with Beck. They'd broken up on Valentine's Day senior year and didn't speak to each other the remainder of the time shared at Hollywood Arts. Beck was in L.A. for about a year before moving to New York. He'd had some luck there, but last Andre had heard, Beck was working as a bartender.

Robbie Shapiro lived down the street. He'd gone to college and ended up studying journalism. He pitched Robarazzi to E! and was making a living off of invading the personal lives of celebrities. Cat willingly gave him plenty of material and he'd never stopped carrying the torch for her, so he didn't ever embarrass her. But something scandalous connected to Jade West would be a goldmine for him and, as she was never that nice to him anyway, he hadn't had any moral qualms about sneaking around in her room, looking for something juicy to share with the public. She caught him though and sent him home with a black eye. As far as he knew, they hadn't spoken since and that had been four or five years ago.

Andre himself hadn't had much success in his career—at least not the sort of success he'd envisioned. He'd written a few successful jingles and he worked in a studio, but as far as his music getting out there for all the world to hear and adore? Not yet. Lately he'd been thinking of trying his hand at teaching music instead. He had gone to college for two years before dropping out to devote himself 100% to his music. He had some of the requirements out of the way. He could go back and get an education degree. It just fell so far short of the dream.

But then, Tori had moved on from performing altogether and she seemed happy when they talked. She and Robbie were the only two from the group that had completed college. And while Tori had starred in a few plays during her time at UCLA, she had joined the Peace Corps after graduating and taught English to kids somewhere down in South America for two years. When she came back, she went to work for a non-profit organization and she still worked for them today. It was strange for him still, to think of Tori Vega as anything other than a pop star. It was hard for him to imagine her not singing and he never had figured out what had made her stop so abruptly and change focus. Last he'd heard, Trina was doing fantastically well as an ad executive at a major marketing firm in New York. The thought of Trina being more successful than Tori seemed utterly unfathomable.

"I was out of the room for ten minutes, I think," she muttered suddenly, pulling him back to their dread present. "Maybe fifteen. And when I came back…"

"What, you just leave that shit lying on the table?" he tried not to sound angry. He could hear the sirens finally.

"No," she shook her head, turning to face him finally. "I didn't know it was there."

"Come on, Jade, you're going to have to do better than that," he growled in spite of his better efforts to keep his cool.

She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. She looked so tired, so spent. He shook his head, pushing any sympathy aside. She looked like a junkie and she did that to herself. And now she did it to Cat too.

"I didn't give it to her, not tonight," Jade explained, though her heart wasn't in her own defense. "I gave it to her once, a few months ago. She was…she was driving me nuts and I thought this would chill her out a bit and I was high so I didn't think… I didn't know she'd ever try it again."

"How many people try heroin just the once, Jade?"

"You think I wanted this? I left the room and when I came back, she'd shot up. What do you want me to do? She was always on me about how bad drugs were. It was months ago when I gave her some and she hadn't had it since, so I didn't think she'd do anything."

There was a knock at the door and when Jade didn't move, Andre got up to answer it. "That's the paramedics."

"I need Tori's phone number."

"Yeah, sure, I'll let you handle calling everyone for the funeral," he said bitterly before going to the door.

Alone in the room again with Cat, Jade looked over at her best friend, blinking back her tears. "I'm sorry, baby girl. You'll never know how sorry I am."


	2. An Endless Static Sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from the song "Easy/Lucky/Free" by Bright Eyes.

Jade hadn't moved from her living room. Cat's body had been zipped up in a black bag and carted her off while Jade and Andre spoke to the police. She followed Andre's lead on claiming that Cat must have brought her own supply. She was surprised that he went that way, assuming he'd want to punish her in any way possibly for this. She wanted to be punished for it. That she didn't have any more in the house at the time was pure luck since they brought in dogs and searched the place. She hadn't even insisted on a warrant, just gave them permission to look everywhere, hoping to be caught.

If Cat had been using this whole time, than surely it was because Jade had started her on it. And if it was a one-off, it was probably because she assumed Jade only liked her high. And as anti-drugs as Cat was when they came up in conversation, in reality she was impulsive and loved to try new things. If Jade had seemed extra irritable when she came over, maybe she assumed this would make her more likeable and they could hang out like she wanted. They didn't hang out that much anymore anyway. And when they did, Jade was always annoyed with her and didn't hesitate to inform her of that repeatedly. Cat just wanted to spend some time with her friend and if she thought this was the only way...

No matter how Jade looked at it, this was her fault in one way or another.

She continued to stare at her fish tank, watching her bully angelfish harass his tankmates as she called her old friends with the numbers Andre had provided her. He at least had taken on the task of calling Cat's parents. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before dialing the first number.

Beck answered the phone, expecting some disaster at the bar where he was assistant manager. Though he wasn't entirely sure how disastrous a Tuesday night could get. "What's up?"

"Hey."

"Hey," he replied. "Who is this?"

"It's Jade. Remember me? The girlfriend you could never keep happy," she quipped, falling into old habits at the sound of his voice.

"You hated being happy," he replied, right on cue. "What's up? It's the middle of the night over there, isn't it?"

"Cat's dead."

"What?"

"Cat. Cat Valentine. She died."

"Oh my God, what happened?"

"Who the hell is calling this early in the morning?" a loud and familiar voice echoed through the phone. Jade cringed.

"Is that Trina Vega? What is she doing with you?"

"Um," Beck answered. "I ran into her last night. She came into the bar where I work and we... _caught up_."

"It's nearly six in the morning over there. What kind of catching up did you do?" she asked pointedly.

"What happened to Cat?" he asked again.

Jade sighed. For a second there, she could take her mind off it. Only a second.

"Jade?"

"She OD'd. Heroin."

"What? Since when has Cat-"

"The service will be sometime this weekend most likely. Just thought I'd let you know. I know you two still hung out sometimes, when she went to New York."

"Of course I'll be there," he responded.

"Bye."

"Bye," he hung up and turned his attention to Trina, laying next to him in the bed.

"Was that Jade West? Haven't seen her since high school. Other than in the movies. I still can't believe she managed to make it bigger than the rest of us."

"Cat's dead."

Trina's face fell.

Jade stared at Tori's number on her screen for several seconds before finally hitting call.

Tori didn't answer her phone the first two times it rang. It was three in the morning and she didn't recognize the number, so assumed it was a mistake. Or worse, some new intern panicking over something that warranted no such reaction. When it rang a third time, she was about to throw it across the room, into her closet.

"Just answer it," her girlfriend, Heather, mumbled, shifting over and wrapping her arms around Tori's waste. "It might be an emergency."

"You always think everything is an emergency."

"Yeah, well, I'm a trauma surgeon. What do you expect?"

The phone continued to go off, blaring a static version of one of Tori's old favorite tunes. _Stop your staring at my- HEY Take a hint, take a hint!_

"Just answer it so I don't have to listen to the awful ringtone any longer," Heather buried her face in the back of Tori's next.

"Hey, I love this song," Tori frowned.

"I know you do, now answer the damn phone!"

"Ok, sheesh," she grabbed her Pearphone off the nightstand at last. "Hello?"

No reply came from the other end of the line, but she could hear someone breathing. "Hello?" she asked again.

"Tori?" the voice on the other end of the line was familiar, but she couldn't place it.

"Yes? Who is this? It's three in the morning, is everything OK?"

"Nothing is OK."

"Who is this?"

"It's Jade."

Tori's eyes widened. She hadn't spoken to Jade West since high school. "What's wrong?"

"It's Cat," Jade answered, her voice sounding hollow. "She's...she overdosed."

"Oh my God, is she OK?" Tori sat up.

"No. She-" Jade paused.

"Jade?"

"Funeral is this weekend. Not sure when exactly yet."

"What?" Tori couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Just get down here, Vega," Jade grumbled before abruptly hanging up.

"Is everything alright?" Heather asked, turning on the light on her bedside table.

"No, I...my friend Cat...you met her before, remember? Last year she visited for a weekend."

"Yeah, red hair, kind of spacey," Heather nodded.

"She's...she's dead. She overdosed," the tears started flowing freely at that point.

"Oh my God, Tori," she pulled her girlfriend closer. "I'm so sorry."

"I have to go down to L.A.," Tori mumbled into Heather's shoulder.

"Of course," she nodded. "Do you want me to come with you?"

Tori thought a moment. "You don't have to. It'll just be through the weekend. For the...service."

Jade dropped her phone to the floor and crossed her arms. A fix is what she wanted then, at that moment. Anything to dull her senses and make everything just...stop. And she hated herself for that. For wanting it, in spite of what had happened. She had a feeling, though, that she'd need some before the weekend was over.

She knelt down and picked up the phone and found another number. One that she'd been calling with increasing frequency over the last few months. His name was James. She didn't know his last name... or if James was even his real first name. She suspected it wasn't. She'd need to withdraw some cash before meeting him in their usual spot the following morning.


	3. How Deep the Bullet Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song "Running Up That Hill" by Placebo (originally by someone else, but the Placebo version is what I was listening to)

The sunlight trickled through the trees, the shadows of leaves dancing across the priest's face as he talk about a girl he never knew. Andre's eyes were fixed on the casket in the ground beneath them. He'd helped carry it from the hearse, along with Beck, Robbie, Cat's brother, and two other guys he didn't know. He thought one of them might have been an old cast-mate of hers, but he wasn't sure and he didn't feel like asking. He didn't know most of the people there. Across the grave, Beck was stoic as ever, his hand on Trina's shoulder. She was sobbing, maybe over-dramatically, but only because Trina was always over-dramatic. There was nothing fake about it though. She'd always liked Cat and Cat had been the only one of them who was ever really nice to her. Next to them, Robbie was trying not cry, but failing miserably. Tori was standing beside him, also trying to keep her emotions in check and not really succeeding. Jade was nowhere to be seen.

Tori was watching the priest, but not really listening to him. She'd listened in the chapel when people who actually knew Cat talked about her, but he was talking about God's unknowable machinations and walking through the valley of the shadow of death and Tori was thinking about the last time the whole gang had been together. It was July then, too, ten years before. They'd taken Beck's RV to the beach one weekend, just days before Robbie would be moving for school (he'd insisted he needed a whole month to settle in before classes started) and Jade would be leaving to shoot a movie she had booked literally the day after graduation.

_Robbie was setting up Rex so he could fly a kite (oddly enough, Rex's favorite beach pastime), Cat bouncing around trying to be helpful, while the boys waited for them so they could play volleyball. Trina was nearby, attempting to flirt with some guys who were clearly not interested. And Tori was sitting in the sand, next to Jade. Not touching. It was very important that they not be touching. Jade had made that abundantly clear._

_"So you're leaving tomorrow?" she asked, absently tracing her fingers in the sand._

_"Yeah. We're shooting up in God-forsaken Canada," she grumbled. "Apparently it's cheaper."_

_"When will you be back?"_

_"What's it to you?"_

_"I was just wondering..."_

_"Look, Vega, I'm not your girlfriend. So we fucked a couple times. Get over it."_

_"I wasn't... I didn't ..."_

_"I just wanted to see what it was like, so if you thought I was into you or whatever... well, as we all know, I'm a really great actress."_

_That hurt and Tori pushed herself up from the ground. "I was just wondering how long your shoot was," she reiterated, trying to keep her voice from cracking as she walked away to wade in the water. Maybe cooling her feet would counteract the sudden burning in her skull._

And now Tori was standing over Cat's coffin, a handful of dirt clenched between her fingers for a moment before she tossed it down into the grave. "Goodbye."

It was when the crowd started to move back down the hill, toward the space next to the chapel where the wake would be held, that Tori noticed Jade, leaning against a tree several yards away from the grave. She hesitated a moment, knowing Andre and the others were waiting for her so they could all head to her mother's house and have their own wake there, away from these random Hollywood friends and Cat's never-present family and even paparazzi waiting at the edge of the cemetery, but decided, probably against her better judgement, to talk to Jade.

"How are you holding up?" Tori asked as she approached the other woman.

Jade didn't say anything. She wasn't really holding up.

"It was...a nice service," Tori offered lamely. "Why are you standing over here?"

"No one wants me over there."

"That's crazy, you and Cat were best friends," Tori replied, turning and gesturing for Jade to follow. "Come on. Some of us are heading back to my mom's place."

Jade scoffed. "Andre doesn't want me there. Robbie doesn't. I don't really want to be around Trina. I can't imagine you want anything to do with me. And Beck... maybe he could tolerate me, but he wouldn't really want me there either. You all want to sit around and talk about Cat and I... don't belong there."

"I got over you being a raging gank to me a long time ago," Tori explained, though it wasn't entirely true. "And Trina isn't as bad as she used to be. And of course you belong with us."

"No, I don't," she shook her head. "Just ask Andre, since apparently he hasn't filled you in yet. But trust me, none of you want me there."

"Jade-"

"No."

"Fine," Tori through her hands up in submission. "I'll be in town for a few days. Come by if you want to talk. You've got my number. I think Beck will be around for a bit as well."

"Whatever."

"Bye, Jade." Tori turned and started heading down the hill to join the others.

Jade watched her make her way to the car and watched everyone climb in and drive off together. Everyone but her and Cat. She walked over to where Cat would be forevermore and she sat down, her feet dangling into the grave. She leaned over and grabbed a handful of dirt and showered it down on the casket. She couldn't bring herself to cry. She thought maybe she'd cried too much already. Maybe there were simply no tears left.

Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a pink and green friendship bracelet Cat had made for her the first year they met. They had been eight years old. Even then, Jade had thought friendship bracelets were lame. But she'd kept it anyway.

She tossed it into the grave and showered more earth down upon it.

* * *

Later that evening, after lots of happy Cat stories and trips down memory lane, Trina asked what had happened, exactly. Andre flew into a rage when retelling the story of that night and Robbie and Trina both joined him in his anger. Beck and Tori were shocked, but they were the only ones who didn't seem to really blame Jade for it, though neither of them stuck up for her in the moment either.

They were the last two up, sitting on the old red couch in the Vega living room. Andre and Robbie were crashing in the guest room, both too drunk to drive home, and Trina had retreated to her old bedroom.

"You should make sure Robbie doesn't go public with that story," Tori said, sipping from the last of her wine.

"Yeah," Beck agreed. "I've been trying to talk him out of slamming Jade for years though. And he loved Cat. I don't know if he's going to be willing to hold this back. It's not like he's considered a serious journalist or anything. Whatever he posts will be considered rumors, nothing more."

"I know, but this...this is a bad one, Beck. And Jade... I don't know. She would never...she's... it's not like she wanted this to happen. Robbie will make her sound like a killer and she isn't."

"I know," he nodded. "I'll talk to him in the morning. See if I can talk to Jade too, maybe hear it from her side. Wouldn't surprise me if she's using though and Cat... I just don't know. I saw her once in awhile, but we didn't really keep in touch. Kind of like you and me," he smiled sadly. "We've talked what? Three times in the last ten years? Andre and Robbie are the only ones from school I've really kept in touch with. I just saw Cat on occasion. And Sinjin. I've kept in touch with him. We've gone to the Indy 500 a couple times."

"Sinjin? Was he there today?" Tori asked, recalling the odd, gangley boy who used to appear behind her as if from nowhere and sniff her hair.

"No, he's out of the country. Some action movie shooting in Prague. He's in charge of special effects. I don't think he could swing it."

She nodded. "Sinjin's working in Prague, Cat's joined the ranks of Hollywood heroin casualties, Robbie is a paparazzi, Andre works in a studio, and Jade...Jade really made it, didn't she? So just you, me, and Trina gave up on the entertainment industry, huh?"

"I still do plays on occasion, but it wasn't paying the bills," he shrugged.

"Trina's doing very well though. You stick with that, you might be able to quit your day-job and be a trophy boyfriend, then you could focus on acting again," she raised her eye-brow suggestively.

He laughed. "She just came into the bar the other night. I hadn't seen her in... God, maybe since high school too? I don't know. She's just...I don't know. She seems different."

"She's found something she's actually good at," Tori replied. "I think that helped a lot."

"Yeah," he agreed. "What have you been doing?"

"I've been working for a non-profit in San Francisco. Raising money for educational programs for girls in third world countries, mostly."

"Cool," he nodded. "So...why'd you stop singing?"

She hesitated. "I felt like... if I wanted to do that, I'd have to change myself too much. Remember the Platinum Music Awards fiasco? I just realized that there were other things about me that really wouldn't fit into what America wants in a pop star. I chose being myself."

"And you're happy?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Sometimes?"

"I hear you," he sighed. "Believe me, I do."


	4. I Could Possibly Be Fading

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song "Into Dust" by Mazzy Star.

It was nearly four in the morning by the time Tori made her way to her old bedroom. She'd spent nearly ten years of her life in that room, and then after high school, every time she came to L.A. she stayed there, and yet it never felt comfortable. Not like it used to.

The room had always been hers until it suddenly wasn't. Until it became a space she occupied only when she had nowhere else to go.

_She was yelling at Trina for "borrowing" her new shirt before she even got to wear it, when Gary, her father's partner on the force knocked on the door-frame._

_"Hello, girls."_

_Tori greeted him with half a nod and Trina threw an odd glare his way, distracting herself just enough for Tori to finally snatch the shirt back from her. "Trina! You got- what is this?" she sniffed the stain. "Mustard?"_

_"I was doing a rejuvenating facial soak and Gary here, startled me. He's the one you should be angry at."_

_"I can buy you a new shirt," Gary chuckled. "There's something else I came here to talk about with you two, actually."_

_"What?" Tori asked, sitting on the end of her bed, contemplating the yellow stain on her new shirt._

_"No," Trina replied, before Gary had a chance to say anything at all. "Go away."_

_"Trina!" Tori snapped at her. "Don't be rude!"_

_"Rude? Don't tell me you don't know what he's going to say?"_

_"What?"_

_"Listen, girls," Gary started again._

_"Where's Dad?" Trina asked pointedly._

_"He's... he's at a hotel."_

_"He's not supposed to be out of town this week," Tori chimed in, still more focused on her stained shirt._

_Gary shifted on his feet before crossing his arms. "Your father isn't going to be living here anymore."_

_"What?" Finally, Tori's attention was pulled from the shirt._

_"Get the hell out of here, Gary," Trina barked._

_"Calm down, Trina, let me explain-"_

_"Explain what? I don't need an explanation. I know what you've been doing. I don't-"_

_"Trina, sweetie," Holly Vega appeared in the doorway. "I know this is upsetting, but-"_

_"What's upsetting is that you couldn't even come tell us yourself. You had to send your fuck buddy here!"_

_"Trina!" Holly snapped._

_"WHAT?" Tori sprang up from the bed. "You- you're...but..."_

_"Holly and I are in love," Gary declared._

_"WHAT?" Tori exclaimed again._

_Trina grabbed Cuddle-Me-Cathy off the bed and hurled it at him. "Get out of here!"_

Tori sighed. She felt so stupid for not realizing what was going on sooner. Hell, Trina had figured it out long before. Tori was always more optimistic though. She supposed she didn't realize what was happening only because she didn't want it to be true.

She hadn't seen her father much after that day. He moved to Phoenix a month later, in February of Tori's senior year. At first she talked to him on the phone weekly, right up until she came out of the closet the following May, and then he abruptly stopped calling. And if she called him, he didn't pick up. Trina said something a few years back about him remarrying and having a child with his new wife. Trina had been invited to meet their half brother; Tori had not. But then, she hadn't been invited to the wedding either, the summer after her freshman year, which had triggered an absolute low point in her life, one only a couple people even knew about. It was, after Jade, the second time someone she loved so completely demonstrated how little she meant to them, and it sent her spiraling. But by the time their brother was born, Tori had learned to cope with rejection better.

Gary and Holly were more accepting, if hardly embracing. Gary was prone to make inappropriate jokes and Holly expected that Tori not "flaunt it"- whatever that meant- or bring it up to other family members. Trina was the only one who flat-out didn't care. In fact, it seemed that Trina had known Tori was queer even before Tori knew.

Of her friends, Andre was the only one she'd told at that point. She told him before telling her parents. Jade was next to be told...or shown, rather, when after a few too many drinks at a party, when Tori was in a particularly bad mood and wallowing over her parents just-finalized divorce and Gary's smarmy jokes and her father not returning her calls and impending graduation with all of them soon-to-be scattered to the four winds and everything about to change, that she grabbed Jade by the hand and dragged her out into the backyard and kissed her and then ran away because she realized what she had done and was overcome with fear for her life and soul.

But Jade didn't hunt her down and flay her alive, as expected. She didn't say or do anything to Tori for a few days after. The kiss had hardly been private though and news of it spread like wildfire through the halls of HA and so Tori was, she felt, cornered into telling the rest of her friends that she was gay. However, before she did, Beck had made some comment to some guy asking his opinion on the kiss and he'd laughed it off as some sort of dare or drinking game and Tori just went along with that. She didn't think for a minute that Beck or Robbie or Cat would care, but she didn't tell them all the same. Cat found out a year or so later, when she visited Tori at school and met her then-girlfriend. Tori was less in touch with Beck and Robbie, so it simply never came up. It seemed so stupid for them not to know by now, but it also seemed weirdly late to say anything.

A week after the kiss, though, Jade managed to sneak into the Vega household after dark and make her way up to Tori's room and that was the first time they were together.

* * *

Lying prostrate on the couch where Cat had died, Jade felt like she was somehow sinking into the fabric. Her vision hazy, her head too clouded to think about anything, not even about the cold body that had lain there before her... instead, she could maybe forget for a bit. That was the rub, after all. The forgetting. The relaxed feeling and the weight of sorrow replaced with nothingness, with a vacancy that could feel no pain because it was void unto itself. It was stupid. So terribly stupid. And she knew that, had always known that.

And yet, it didn't stop her the first time, years before, when it had been Tori that needed forgetting. And though she'd managed to stop briefly a few times, it never lasted. Happiness never came and so something else was needed in its place. Whatever. These were excuses. They were true, but still excuses. It was a mask, a shelter that protected you from nothing. Something to temporarily keep the storm inside at bay. Something that never really worked, but was really good at making you think it worked.

She was falling through all time and space and memory, hurling toward something she couldn't yet identify, with no way out and no will to stop and no more understanding of anything than she'd ever had.


	5. Paper In The Wind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song "Love Song #1" by The White Buffalo

"Look, Rob, don't do this," Beck said, leaning across the table, his voice low. They were having breakfast at a dodgy diner in Northridge and the last thing he needed was anyone overhearing their conversation. "I get that you're upset. We all are. We all loved Cat. Jade loved her too. She would never intentionally do anything-"

"It doesn't matter if it's intentional or not, she is responsible for this!" Robbie was putting all his strength into not crying.

"Jade's never been...pleasant," Trina chimed in from her place at Beck's side. "But even I know she would never want this. And I have even more reason than you to hate her, Robbie. So if I can overlook that, you should be able to as well."

"Why would you have a reason to hate Jade?" Beck asked, confused.

"Because of what she did to Tori back in high school," she replied easily, as though it were obvious, taking a sip from her coffee.

He shrugged. "I know she kind of picked on Tori, but that was just the way they were. Tori didn't let it get to her."

"Yeah, but the whole little...affair... if you could even call it that. Senior year. Remember? Jade broke her heart," Trina shoved a spoonful of eggs into her mouth. "Don't know what Tori saw in her in the first place, but I guess you could enlighten us on that, huh?" she nudged Beck with a wink. "Your taste has improved considerably."

"What are you talking about?" Robbie was completely lost.

"Affair? Between Tori and Jade?" Beck was staring at her.

When she realized that they had no idea what she was talking about, Trina hesitated a moment. "Just kidding! Gosh, you guys are gullible."

"What? No, seriously, Trina. What happened?" Beck pressed, not believing her for a second.

* * *

"I don't get how you can defend her," Andre said, gulping two ibuprofen down with a glass of water. "I told you what I saw. And you know Jade-"

"That's why!" Tori interrupted. "I know her. And I know that she didn't mean for this to happen. So you guys need to stop acting like it was premeditated murder or something. This is ridiculous."

"She got Cat high to get her to shut up. I'm sure she pressured her into it. It's fucking heroin. It's never a one-time thing, that shit. I just... she's fine with Cat being around if it serves her needs, but then she gets fed up and forces her to shoot up?"

"That's not what happened, Andre," Tori argued, trying to stay calm and barely managing it. "Every time you tell it, you make it worse. You've known Jade longer than most of us-"

"And you've known her better than most of us, Tori. She uses people and when she's got what she wants, she doesn't care about them. You of all people should know that."

"You don't know what you're talking about," she answered, her voice low and uncharacteristically cold.

He knew he'd crossed a line. "I'm sorry, I didn't...I just don't understand how you can defend her."

"I just... I need to talk to her about this. I need to here it from her side."

"She's probably high right now."

"If she's addicted, then we should be helping her, Andre," Tori threw her hands up in exasperation. "How long has she been using? How long have you known about it? Have you ever even tried-"

"Of course I have! She doesn't listen to me. She never listened to Cat either. She doesn't listen to anyone."

"I need to talk to her."

"Good luck with that."

* * *

_Breathless and still burning, Tori waited the ordered five minutes after Jade left the janitor's closet before leaving herself._

_"Not a word, Vega," the green-eyed girl had commanded, her voice low and guarded._

_Tori had nodded, thinking 'as you wish' like Wesley in The Princess Bride._

_One night in her room and now this, up against the wall in the janitor's closet, and Tori's head was swimming with flowers and hand-holding and dancing at this year's Prome and long walks on the beach, watching the sunset, and..._

_"One must remove oneself from one's closet, Toro," the familiar voice of Sikowitz rattled from the other side of the door. "Or, the closet, I suppose. It's not your closet. Or is it?"_

_She opened the door, eyes wide, mortified._

_"What?" he asked, seeming genuinely surprised at her shock. "I need some props for class and thought the selection of tools for the cleaning of floors where students tread would be most perfect."_

_"How'd you know I was in here?"_

_"I saw you enter. Then I saw Jade leave. And you were still in here and I need my props."_

_"We were just talking-"_

_"What you teenagers do on your free time is none of my concern. Although I don't believe this is a free period for either of you, but since you aren't skipping my class, who am I to complain? Now, I need a mop!"_

_Tori hurried out past him._

* * *

"Hey, Tori, funny story," Trina's voice echoed through the phone. "So I might've spilled the beans a bit about your whole high school romance from hell..."

"What?" Tori was more annoyed than upset, though that would not have been the case ten years earlier. She pulled over to the side of the road in front of Jade's house.

"Well, I didn't realize Beck and Robbie didn't know about it. I mean, Andre knows, right?"

"You and Andre are the only ones who knew. At least, the only ones who knew from me. Why were you guys even talking about-"

"Beck and Robbie didn't even know you were gay. How could you not have told some of your best friends? If you counted Robbie as a bestie. Did you? He still kind of creeps me out, personally. Anyway, I don't really get how anyone could miss the gay factor with you, but boys aren't always the most observant."

"Trina-"

"I didn't give them the whole story. Not even sure if I know the whole story. Other than that Jade is a bitchy ice queen who used you and-"

"TRINA!"

"What?"

"Shut up."

"Rude."

"Whatever. You don't need to discuss my private life, past or present, with anyone. Ok?"

"I told them about Heather."

"Why?"

"Because I love Heather! Huge improvement on Jade. Even an improvement on that chick you dated for a couple years in college. Layla?"

"Leah," Tori replied. "Talk about your own love life. I know you love to do that."

"Speaking of, Beck is even more beautiful than he was in high school!"

Tori sighed and listened to Trina ramble on about Beck's fluffy hair and perfect abs for the next hour.

When she'd finally hung up, it took Tori another hour to gather up the courage to get out of the car and make her way up to the front door. Twenty more minutes passed before she managed to knock.


	6. If You Had A Part Of Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song "For the Widows in Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilanti" by Sufjan Stevens

Jade peered through the peephole in the door and saw Tori fidgeting on the other side. She leaned her forehead against the door, unsure of whether or not to open it. She looked through again and saw Tori running a hand through her hair, slightly rocking back and forth the way she did when she was particularly nervous about something.

Jade's hand moved to the doorknob, seemingly of its own volition. Tori's shoulders relaxed a bit, visibly relieved that Jade had opened the door.

"Hey," the brown-eyed girl said, her voice barely above a whisper.

Jade leaned on the door, awkwardly. In her mind, she was venomously spitting a response to the other girl, a harsh 'what the hell do you want?' or something. In reality, she said nothing.

"Can—can I come in?" Tori asked.

No. Don't. It's not worth your time. You come through this door and you enter the abyss. Battle not with monsters, right? Too much time with me will make a monster of you, Vega. You got away once, why tempt fate? "Whatever," she said, stepping aside.

Tori looked around, in awe of the size of the house and how immaculate it all seemed. It looked like something out of a magazine spread. It didn't look lived in. "Your house is amazing."

Jade nodded and made her way passed Tori into the living room. The other girl followed. Jade dropped down onto the couch and Tori continued passed her, admiring some of the artwork on the walls, some of which she recognized to be Jade's own work. She made her way over to the fish tank and examined its inhabitants. "This is neat."

"It's just a fish tank, Vega."

"I know, but it's pretty. This orange fish here is-"

"A total jerk. He harasses everyone else in the tank with him."

Tori nodded. "Do you have a Nemo fish?"

"A _clownfish_?" Jade asked, incredulously. "No, the angelfish has killed them all."

"Oh, well…these other fish are still pretty. What kind of fish are they?"

"Did you really come over here to talk about fish, Vega?"

"No, but it's called making civilized conversation, maybe try it sometime?" she spit back without looking at the woman on the couch.

Jade made a grumbling sound, under her breath before moving to stand beside Tori. "The jerk is a flame angelfish. That one between the rocks in a blue-spot jawfish. He's a weird one, but the flame doesn't pick on him as much. That is a yellow-tail blue damselfish. He's pretty mellow, but the flame chases him around. The purple and yellow one down there is a royal gramma. He pretty much hangs out in that cave all the time. The sixline wrasse is fast enough to avoid the flame, but they still have issues from time to time. And that striped one over there is my favorite, it's a sailfin tang. Also it's the only one that never takes any shit from the angelfish, probably just 'cause it's so much bigger."

"There, was that so hard?"

"Why did you come here?"

Tori hesitated, then looked back at the tank. "Why is the sailingfin your favorite?"

"Sailfin," Jade corrected. "She's just…more fun. She's the star of the tank, without being a jerk to everyone else in. She isn't as flashy and extreme as the flame. I don't know. I haven't thought about what I like about any of them in awhile. Just about how much I hate the angelfish. After it killed the last clown, I feel like the jawfish and the gramma have been extra weird around it too. But that's probably just me projecting when getting high and staring at a fish tank for hours."

"I never knew you were into fish," Tori said.

"I wasn't. I'm not really. The tank came with the house and some guy maintains it for me. It's just a decoration really."

"Yeah, but you know the individual fish and their personalities and...I don't. Fish tanks are so relaxing."

"Sure," Jade shrugged, before retreating back to the couch. "So...why are you here?"

"I wanted to see if you were OK," Tori answered, finally taking her attention from the tank. She took a seat in a chair across the room from Jade.

"I'm fine."

"Jade-"

"Did Andre tell you what happened?"

"Yeah," her voice came out quieter than intended.

"So why are you here?"

"I want to hear it from your side."

"My side? I left the room and when I came back she was dead. I called the paramedics. That's it."

"The heroin?"

"I don't know where she got it. I was out. I'd used my last up a few hours before she got here. They even searched the place with dogs. She didn't get it from me and I didn't make her take it. Not that night anyway."

"What does that mean?"

Jade sighed, aggravated. "I gave some to her awhile ago. A few months. She was bouncing off the walls and driving me nuts and I wanted her to chill out and so I gave her some. As far as I know that was her first, so...if she got addicted, yeah, it was my fault. But she never mentioned it. We never did it together after that one time. I didn't know she was still...I didn't give her any that night. I didn't. I never wanted-" she would not cry in front of Tori, not now. She swallowed hard and tried to reign in her emotions.

"I know you didn't want this," Tori said, getting to her feet and moving over to where Jade sat on the couch. She sat down and put her hand gently on the actress's back. "I know."

"I shouldn't have ever given it to her."

"No, you shouldn't. But that doesn't make this your fault. Cat chose to do it. She was an adult. As bubbly and giddy as she was, she wasn't stupid. She knew better too."

Jade scoffed, but didn't say anything.

Tori hesitated a moment, but then pushed forward. "Why do you do it, Jade?"

"What?"

"You're the one of us who really made it. It seems like every month there's another celebrity that dies from this sort of things. So...why?"

"It's not really any of your concern, Vega," Jade tilted her head away, her face hardening and her eyes fixed ahead of her.

"I just-"

"You just care so much about all the world and want to make everything happy forever and ever," she adopted the accent she used to mock Tori with in high school, but with an added layer of seething toxicity in her voice. She got to her feet and moved toward her front door.

"Jade, I-" Tori followed her, unsure of where she went wrong exactly.

"You've got my side of the story, happy? You can go now. Don't need to worry your pretty little head about me."

"Why are you doing this?"

Jade pulled the door open, angrily, using much more force than necessary. She was shocked to find someone standing there.

"Who the hell are you and what do you want?" Jade snapped.

Tori caught up and looked out the door. "Heather? What are you doing here?" Her voice sounded much more shocked and much less happy than she intended it to.

"I know I missed the funeral, but she was one of your good friends and I just felt terrible for not coming down with you. So...here I am. Trina said you'd be here," Heather pushed a lock of blonde hair out of her face and half-smiled, holding her arms out for a hug, which Tori automatically gave.

"You didn't have to come down, really, I'll be home in a couple days," Tori said, though she hugged her back tightly. "How'd you get the time off work?"

"I had to pull some strings," the blonde replied, pulling back from the hug. "But we're going to be married soon and I need to be better about putting you before work," she cupped Tori's face and gave her a quick kiss on the lips.

Tori swallowed and smiled weakly, painfully aware of Jade standing just inches from them. "You're a surgeon, Heather. I don't expect-"

"Shut up, Vega," Jade hissed, her voice teetering somewhere between a jeer and a wound. "Your fiancee came all the way down here to be with you. Be grateful. Don't mind her..." her voice trailed off, forgetting the name Tori had said moments before.

"Heather," the blonde offered it herself.

"Heather," the name felt bitter on her lips. "Tori was just on her way out anyway."


	7. A Radiant Darkness Upon Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song "You Were A Kindness" by The National

Tori lay awake staring at the ceiling. Despite her own exhaustion, she couldn't seem to fall asleep. Heather was out cold beside her though.

It seemed weird to Tori, having sex in her childhood bed, somehow. Though it was not the first time it had happened. Only once before, with Jade, that first time…

Tori frowned, angry with herself for thinking of Jade after having sex with her fiancée, while she's lying next to her in bed, after she drove down just to stand by her. _I'm just a terrible person_ , Tori thought.

Slowly she climbed out of the bed and crept downstairs to the kitchen for a late night cup of Italian hot cocoa. That always seemed to make things a little better. At least, it was one of the few things she liked about coming home to L.A. anymore. She never could seem to find the brand her mother bought anywhere in San Francisco.

Trina arrived in the kitchen shortly after her, apparently also craving cocoa.

"What are you doing up?" her elder sister asked. "I'm surprised you didn't wear yourself out with whatever you were doing in there, my God."

Tori blushed slightly. "Oh, shut up."

Trina laughed and sat across from her sister. "So, what's keeping you up?"

"I don't know. I could ask you the same, though."

"Yeah, well, as I said, you two were loud and then...it's going to sound stupid considering how long it's been..."

"What?"

"I just...being here reminds me of when we were all a family. Before Gary, I mean. I know these things happen and Mom is happy and Dad is happy, but I just...I wish they were happy together still. Even though it's been a freakin' decade and I'm an adult and should be over it."

"I know what you mean," Tori nodded. "I was really glad when I learned Mom and Gary were going to be out of town. I felt bad about it, because she's my Mom and I should want to visit her, but...Gary...and you'd think I wouldn't miss Dad so much since he doesn't miss me, but I do. But then, I have a tendency to be drawn to people who want nothing to do with me, so that's that."

"You saw the She-Demon today, didn't you?"

Tori frowned at the monicker. "Yes, you sent Heather to us, remember?"

"So? She was looking for you. You're engaged and she brought you flowers!"

"I know, but I was trying to get Jade to talk and as soon as Heather showed up, she shut down again."

"Well, I don't see why Jade talking it that important. I agree with you and Beck that Andre and Robbie need to ease up on the blame, but Jade isn't really any of your concern. If she wants to ruin her life, that's her choice. You always felt like you needed to make sure she was OK, but she's the kind of person that will probably never be OK because if things are OK, she'll seek out a way to undo it and destroy it. You care too much about making everything OK for everyone. It just can't be done with her, Tor. And you'll destroy yourself if you try. You were a wreck last time, if you remember."

Tori didn't respond immediately, as she was rather startled by her sister's perceptiveness.

"I'm not trying to sound like a bitch here, but you need to look out for you, you know?"

Tori nodded, sipping her cocoa. "She...she can't handle happiness."

"Jade? That's for damn sure," Trina scoffed.

"But..." Tori hesitated, unsure if she should really say anything at all. "But I don't think I've really been happy since I was with her."

"She just so- wait, what?"

"It's stupid because it was forever ago and it's pathetic because I should have moved on by now. I'm engaged, for Christ's sake. But Jade...as awful as she can be sometimes, I never got over her. I think I thought I was, but as soon as I saw her at the funeral, I knew I wasn't."

"Tori-"

"I know nothing will come of it, don't worry. I just... I feel like maybe if I help her out, I can finally move on, you know? I've always wanted to help her, and I feel like I failed. So maybe if I do that, I'll be able to get past it."

"If you're still in- if you still think you could possibly have feelings for Jade, you shouldn't hang out with her at all. You have a fiancee! Heather! Who drove all the way down here with flowers and made you _really happy_ like an hour ago."

"I know, I'm terrible. I know that," Tori replied, sinking her forehead onto her palm. "But I don't know how else to do this. If I ignore Jade, I'll always have this guilt."

"But no guilt for emotionally cheating on your fiancee?"

"No, I'm completely guilty about that too! But it's not the same. I can't change how I feel. I'm not going to actually cheat."

"So if Jade threw herself at you, you wouldn't...reciprocate?"

"I...no, of course not" she hesitated, somehow, was instantly furious with herself for her hesitation and the fact that Trina heard it too.

"Uh huh," Trina finished the last of her cocoa.

It was late Monday afternoon when Tori finally resolved to go over to see Jade again, convincing Trina to take Heather sight-seeing as the other woman had never really visited Hollywood. She'd only met Tori's mother once and it was the weekend of a medical conference and she was busy almost the entire time.

"Honey, I came down here to be with you," Heather explained. "You don't need to worry about me being entertained."

"I know, it's just...I need to talk to Jade and she...she isn't good with people she doesn't know."

"She isn't good with people, period," Trina grumbled.

Tori scowled at her sister. "I really appreciate it, I do, but she's the one who's going through something right now and I need to do what I can and I know her well enough to know she won't cooperate if you're there. She'll be challenging enough alone," she laughed, trying to make certain Heather wouldn't worry about this, though Tori couldn't see why she would. She had never told Heather about Jade. Or at least not more than they were frenemies of a sort.

"You know, this is going to sound dumb to you two I'm sure, but it's weird seeing famous people up close," Heather said. "I mean, I've only ever see Jade West on a movie screen and seeing her up close in person...I wish circumstances were different, maybe then it would be less awkward for me to have been so starstruck."

Tori half-laughed. "I don't think you came off as particularly starstruck at all. You're always more composed than you seem to think."

Heather laughed back. "That's good, I guess."

"I don't see why you'd get starstruck over Jade," Trina interjected. "She wasn't even the most talented kid in school. Don't know how she lucked out."

"Are you kidding?" Heather sounded genuinely shocked. "She's incredible! And she's stunning! I mean, you never know in Hollywood who is all makeup and who is actually pretty. She was clearly not done up the other day, but she is just gorgeous. Those eyes?" she nudged Tori playfully with her elbow. "You sure you never got in on any of that?"

Tori swallowed hard, but Heather didn't notice.

"There are rumors that she swings both ways, you know," Heather continued. "I know the magazines will make that stuff up all the time, but you never know. Lots of people experiment. Besides, then I could tell people that my wife once dated Jade West, but still married me!"

"Well, we better get going if we're going to hit all the sites on Tori's itinerary here," Trina interrupted then, getting surprisingly little joy out of how miserable Heather's innocent ramblings were making her little sister.

* * *

"You again?" Jade grumbled when she opened the door.

"I brought frozen yogurt," Tori offered.

"So?"

"So...you can eat it?"

"I know what to do with FroYo, Vega," Jade scoffed, stepping aside and letting the other woman enter.

"Where's Barbie?"

"Barbie? Oh, hey, be nice. Heather is really sweet and super smart- she's a surgeon. And just 'cause she's blonde doesn't mean she's-"

"I don't need to hear about your finacee," the green eyed woman snapped.

Tori was slightly taken aback, and was about to apologize, but then narrowed her eyes instead. "Then don't insult her."

Jade shot a nasty glare at her then, but didn't say anything.

"Look, I didn't come here to fight, OK?"

"Then maybe you shouldn't have come," Jade shrugged, taking a seat on the couch.

"I want to help you," Tori replied, figuring it was best to just jump right in. "God knows why I do, but I don't want to go back to San Francisco if I'm just going to have to come back here in a month for _your_ funeral."

Jade laughed bitterly. "You don't need to come to my funeral then."

Tori rolled her eyes. "That's not funny. I did a bunch of research today and found several clinics that have had really good success with-"

"No, I'm not going to rehab. I've had this conversation already, Vega. With Andre, with my manager, with my stepmom...with Cat."

"Have you ever gone?"

"No."

"Then why not finally give it a try? Your best friend died on your couch and you're just going to keep using?"

Jade shrugged, doing her best to disguise how much Tori's words stung.

"Why, Jade?"

She hesitated a moment before replying. "I just...I don't care."

"Don't care about what?"

"Anything."

"Come on, that's not true," Tori said, finally taking a seat across the room from her. "You have everything, Jade. You made it. You have everything all of us wanted. Why are you so miserable?"

Jade didn't answer but her eyes seemed to soften a little.

"Jade?"

"Why do you care so much, Vega?"

"I've always cared about you. You know that."

"It's been ten years since I saw you. I treated you like garbage. So why did you care? Why do you _still_ care?"

"Maybe because you don't care enough so I need to pick up the slack," she offered.

Jade half-laughed, then hesitated a moment before speaking again. "Are you...are you happy, Tori?"

"What?"

"Are you happy? You're engaged, you...I don't know what you're doing in San Francisco. I imagine you have a golden retriever and a white picket fence and you are smiling all the time. You are always happy when I think of you and I think it's because I'm not there."

"I don't understand-"

"Are you happy? What is so tricky about that question?"

"Jade, you're-"

"You're being evasive."

"I am not, but I came here to talk about you not me, and-"

"Andre told me you don't sing anymore."

"Not really, no. But that's beside the point."

"You can't be that happy if you're not singing."

"Jade-"

"Answer the damn question, Tori. ARE YOU HAPPY?"

"No!' she snapped back in frustration, then quickly regretted it when she saw the other woman's satisfied smirk. "I mean, it's fine. I'm fine. I'm- things are good."

"I really loved you, you know," the green-eyed woman said then, her voice barely above a whisper and her eyes fixed on the floor.

"What?" Tori was sure she had misheard.

Jade took a deep breath then. "Nothing. I'm not going to rehab. I'll try not to die in the near future so you won't have to make two trips down so close together. In fact, I'll shoot for December so you can just work it into your Christmas visit."

"Jade-"

"I'm really exhausted, I'm going to get some sleep," she got up and headed for the stairs. "Let yourself out whenever."


	8. A Fraudulent Zodiac

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song "God of Wine" by Third Eye Blind

Jade made her way through the dark of her room to her nightstand, where she found the last of the small stash she'd bought the morning after Cat had died. She sat down on her bed, holding the small plastic bag. She hadn't heard the door close and assumed Tori was still in the house. She thought a moment that maybe she should wait until the other woman left before shooting up, but her desire got the better of her and she dug a needle and spoon out of the nightstand and went into the adjacent bathroom for a candle.

Downstairs, Tori was standing at the door, ready to leave, knowing she was expected back at the house. Trina and Heather would be back by now and Andre and Beck were coming over for dinner. Most of them were planning on leaving town the following day, so this was their last get-together for who knows how long. _Maybe just until December,_ Tori thought bitterly. But how could she go home when Jade said something like that? If she was really that far gone? How could Tori live with herself if she went home and then saw Jade's death broadcast on the news everywhere?

She leaned forward, resting her head on the door and blinking back tears. I should just walk away, Tori thought, feeling like she'd somehow been sucked through a wormhole back in time and was having the same argument with herself she'd had so many times senior year.

_I can't always be chasing her. It needs to go both ways and it never does. It's always me. I'm always doing all the work..._

_But... I just...I can't just not care. She's my friend. If nothing else, she's my friend. And I might be her only friend left._

_You reap what you sow. If Jade can't be a friend, then she doesn't get a friend._

_It's not that simple._

_Has she ever done anything for you? Just because you needed it? No._

_She gave up her spot in the Platinum Music Awards for me._

_After she stole it from you and that was one thing, you can't justify everything she's done with one good deed._

_She said she really loved me._

_She doesn't know what love is._

_She does, of course she does. She just...doesn't know how to show it. Most of the time. Sometimes she shows it very well._

_If sex is the only happy memory you have, then it's definitely not a good-_

_It's not, though. We talked. She sat with me all night when my Mom told me she was marrying Gary less than a month after divorcing Dad. She talked about when her parents split and..._

_Stop it. Stop making excuses._

_And that first time...it wasn't just sex. We...neither of us even knew what we were doing. I'd never been with anyone and she wasn't mean or anything about that. And she'd...she'd never been with a girl. And she...she brought me a flower, remember?_

_To get laid._

_Shut up. It was so...sweet._

_So un-Jade._

_Yeah, maybe. But she did it all the same._

_She probably picked it out of your own garden._

_I don't care where she got it, she gave me a flower!_

_So that's all it takes with you? Are you forgetting what she did to you? You were so miserable you tried to-_

_Stop it, stop it, stop it. That wasn't her fault. Stop making me feel like I'm a terrible person for..._

_For loving her? The fact that you can't even say it TO YOURSELF is not a great sign, you know. Besides, you loved her, you don't still love her. You're with Heather now._

_I...right. I'm with Heather. I... I love Heather. I-_

_OH MY GOD._

_What?_

_You can't still love her, Tori. You don't even know her anymore. You guys haven't talked in ten years!_

_I didn't say-_

_Tori-_

_I didn't...I don't know. I feel like I'm going crazy here._

_Yeah, obviously._

"This is ridiculous," Tori said aloud, before turning away from the door and looking up the stairs.

_I still know her, though. I've always known her and I always will._

_Turn around, you idiot!_

_I'm her only friend. And she needs a friend right now. So how can I just leave?_

_Because she doesn't treat you the way you deserve._

_She's afraid of letting people in. She's always been like that. It's a defense mechanism and when you get past it, it's...it's_

_Not worth it._

"Completely worth it," Tori mumbled, and started up the stairs.

* * *

"Hey guys!" Trina greeted Beck and Andre enthusiastically as she stood aside and let them enter. "Tori should be back soon. She went to see Jade."

"Is that a good idea?" Beck asked, his tone slightly mocking, but slightly sincere. He'd been a little blindsided by the revelation that there had been anything at all between Jade and Tori in high school, though the more he'd thought about it, the more he couldn't believe he'd never noticed.

"Probably not," Trina replied. "Heather is in the shower. That's Tori's financee. She's wonderful and we need to make sure Tori realizes that before she screws something up."

Andre scowled. "I don't understand why Tori is so hellbent on making sure Jade is alright. After everything that's happened-"

"OK, OK, we've all heard your 'Jade's the devil' rants enough this weekend," Beck interrupted him. "Jade is...look, you guys have never known like I do. And like Tori does. So just...don't, OK?"

"I spent all day with a doctor," Trina cut in. "That's right. Tori might ruin her chance to marry a doctor. And she seems to side with Jade too. And I told her everything, well, not everything. I left out Tori and Jade's past, so FYI, guys, no mentioning that when she comes down here. But I told her about Cat and what had happened and she was talking all about addiction and whatever and she seems quite adamant that if we're Jade's friends, we need to help her out and get her off the smack. Now, I informed her kindly that I was never friends with Jade and was more concerned with her issues pulling Tori down into hell because Tori is too good and wants to help, and some people are beyond it. That just made her all mushy about how great Tori was. But my point is, Andre, you are her friend, so maybe you should see about getting her some help?"

"I have! Why does everyone keep saying that to me like it never occurred to me? I've tried over and over. She doesn't care. She doesn't want to quit, so I'm done. This is on her. If she wants to get clean, for real, you can bet I'll be in her corner, but she doesn't. Tori is trying to help a lost cause. She always does."

"Jade isn't a lost cause," Beck said. "She's just...difficult. She's always been difficult. Doesn't mean she isn't worth the extra effort."

"I've given her contacts to more rehab centers than I can count," Andre exclaimed, throwing his hands up. "So did Cat. We even staged an intervention once. Her agent helped us. He even got her out of a contract so that she could get clean. Why do you think she isn't working right now? Do you know how in-demand that girl is? She doesn't care anymore. About anything. How much effort do you want me to put in? She's got a death wish."

Beck sighed, wishing Tori was hear so he would have someone on his side, someone who at least understood Jade a little better. Someone Jade had allowed to know her better.

"Andre's right," Heather said, coming down the stairs. "She needs to want to get clean. She can't have other people force it on her. If anything, that will have the opposite effect. But she still needs your support. Heroin is...it's a tough one. She will be fighting this addiction the rest of her life and she needs someone who will stand by her through it," she explained, pouring herself a glass of white wine. "She needs to decide to quit on her own, but she can't accomplish the quitting without help."

"I get that, it's just-"

"How much do you want to bet that when Tori finally gets here, she's going to tell me she's staying down here longer? That she has to help Jade and she can't do it from home? I'm about ninety percent sure that's what's going to happen. Tori...Tori can be that anchor she needs to get through this storm."

The sympathy for Jade wrecked Trina with guilt, knowing what she did about her sister's relationship with her. She hoped Tori wasn't making a mockery of the trust Heather obviously placed in her.

"I may not know Jade," Heather continued. "But I know Tori and I believe that, if anyone can help her, Tori will be the one to do it."


	9. We Only Stay In Orbit For A Moment of Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song "Recovering the Satellites" by Counting Crows

_A wife, she has a wife,_ Jade thought. _Or will, soon. I can't believe it._

She dipped the tip of her needle in the spoonful of liquid and filled it. _Don't know why I'm surprised. I don't know what I expected. Everyone is moving forward and I'm just stuck._

She tied her upper arm with a purple sleeve she'd torn from an old shirt some time ago.

_"What are we doing, Jade?" Tori asked from below the other girl, in the darkness of her room._

_Jade half laughed. "What's it feel like we're doing?"_

_"I mean… what-"_

_Jade knew what she wanted to ask, but cut her off with a kiss. She didn't have any intention of answering. She couldn't give Tori what she wanted, she knew that. Tori wouldn't understand why, though._

_But Jade had plans, dreams she'd had for years. And maybe someday, once she's made her mark on Hollywood, no one would care who she slept with. But now? Now people would care. Whether they hated her for it or supported her for it, people would focus on that and not on her acting. She didn't want to be famous 'just 'cause', she wanted it because she deserved it. She wouldn't sacrifice her chance at true success for anything._

_No matter how good it felt to be with Tori, the one person who was always there, no matter what._

_Sometimes, Jade wished she wasn't always so harsh with the other girl, but it was a habit she was never able to kick. But it never pushed Tori away all the same._

_She kissed her way down Tori's neck and the other girl forgot her questions._

_Tori understood most things about Jade, somehow, innately. She always had. But she wouldn't understand this. Tori would give up everything for Jade, but she hadn't had this dream as long as Jade had._

_Tori had rushed out the following morning, afraid of being caught by Jade's parents and then forced to confront her mother and Gary. In her hurry, she'd been unable to find her shirt and had settled on puling her jacket over her camisole before. Jade found the purple and black plaid shirt halfway under her bed a day later or so. She never gave it back to Tori._

She stuck the needle in the crook of her elbow and felt the near instant rush of euphoria as the drug worked its magic. Who needed love when they had this? Love didn't make all your problems disappear.

"Jade?"

She turned to find Tori standing in the doorway.

"Hey Vega," she answered, half-smiling. "Why are you still here?" She tossed the needle in the sink and untied her arm.

"Jade…" Tori couldn't hide the disappointment in her voice, but it didn't faze Jade in the least. Nothing could touch her now.

The green-eyed girl just smiled at her and moved past her to the bed, and closed her eyes, the warm arms of heroin wrapping her tight.

Tori followed her and sat on the edge of the bed. "You need to stop this. You can't… you're going to kill yourself."

"Don't worry about it," Jade replied, her voice slow, her smile unfading.

Tori knew there was no point in discussing this with Jade while the other woman was in this state, but she couldn't seem to stop herself. "How can I not worry about it? I don't want you dead and you…if that's what you want, you need help. And this isn't help."

"It's all OK," she said, her eyes opening for a moment and fixing on Tori. "You are doing good, Tori. You should still sing, but you it's OK if you don't. You are going to be OK. I'm glad for you."

"I'm not going to let you do this to yourself," Tori said, shaking her head.

"Everything is fine."

"No it isn't," Tori said, her voice sharper than she meant.

Jade sat up and reached out, pulling Tori over into a hug. "Yes, it is. You just don't realize it because you are here when you shouldn't be."

As much as Tori relished the few times she managed to get hugs out of Jade, this was different. This wasn't Jade, this was all the drug. She didn't pull away though. "Why do you do this?"

"It feels amazing, like nothing else in the world," Jade answered plainly.

"It's killing you."

Jade shrugged. "I'm fine."

"Why did you start? You knew better and you still did it. You knew it would feel great, that's why it's a thing in the first place. You knew better and you still tried it. Why?"

"I was lonely, now I'm not," Jade smiled, burying her face in Tori's neck. "I missed you. You know, I went to your house twice after senior year. First time it was Christmas and you were home from school and I was outside, but I didn't go in. I should've gone in. Should've said hi."

"Yeah, you should've," Tori agreed. "But you can't blame this on me."

"No, it's my fault, I know that. The second time was spring break and you were home again, and I really almost came in that time, but then I saw you with another girl. Dark hair, really hot. Maybe a little too hot for you," Jade chuckled. "You kissed her," her face hardened for a second. "I didn't like that."

_Leah,_ Tori thought; her first serious girlfriend. "I'm sorry you saw that, but that is no excuse…"

"I didn't use until like a year later, so it's not your fault. I was just saying I missed you," she cooed. "I don't remember when I started. I think it was at some party. I was thinking about you. I was always thinking about you. I hated it. And I wanted to not be thinking about you, and someone said, 'I'll help you forget' and I thought it was a stupid pick up line, but I followed him anyway. He was hot, I hadn't been laid in awhile…but that's not what we did."

"So…nine years? You've been using for nine years? Jade…"

"It makes it so I can be alone, I can have nothing in my life worth…anything, really, but with this it doesn't matter, Tori. Nothing matters with this. It's…you can't understand it."

"Really? It's that great?" Maybe a little reverse psychology would help. "Can I have some then?"

"No, I'm all out," Jade said, apologetically. "You don't need this though. You can be happy without it."

"I'm not happy. I'm not happy without it and I'm not happy with you on it," Tori countered.

"It was inconsiderate of me to push off and not leave any for you," Jade agreed.

"No, that's not-"

"I'll get some more tomorrow."

"No. You...you can't," Tori sighed in aggravation, her eyes searching the room until they landed on a distinct trophy. "What do you mean you don't have anything? You have an Oscar!" Tori pointed at the golden man. "I remember watching you win that. Do you remember that? You were in that red dress. You were gorgeous. And you won and I was so, so proud of you, Jade."

"I think I was high when I won that," Jade said with a shrug, finally letting go of Tori and falling back onto her bed.

"How long does this last? When will I be able to talk to you again? Actually talk to you?"

"You're talking to me right now," Jade offered.

Tori frowned. "No, I'm not."

Jade smiled and closed her eyes. "Don't make that face. You're so much prettier when you smile."

Tori crossed her arms in a huff. "Why didn't you ever call me? I could've helped. If you were lonely. I would've come and seen you. I would've helped. I would've done anything you needed."

"I know you would. That's why I couldn't ask."

"That makes no sense."

"It doesn't need to make sense," Jade was so nonchalant, her voice lacking the anger and venom she typically spewed toward anyone even remotely arguing with her.

"How long does this last?"

"A couple hours. I'll get some more in the morning."

Tori moved off the bed then took a seat on a chair in the corner. "We'll talk again in the morning."

Nearly two hours passed with Tori silently watching as Jade seemed to slip in and out of sleep. Occasionally, Jade would smile at her or stare at her for a bit before repositioning herself and closing her eyes again. Neither of them spoke at all.

It was just shy of nine when Tori was sure Jade was actually asleep. She called Heather to inform her that she wouldn't be making it home for dinner and filled her finacee in on what had happened.

"Honey, you need to talk to her when she's sober," Heather explained. "Trying to talk someone out of heroin when they are high on it is pointless."

"I know, it's stupid. I just...I didn't want to just sit there and do nothing and I didn't know what else to do."

"She's asleep now?"

"Yeah," Tori said, glancing over at the bed. "I don't think I'll be able to get her to go to a treatment center. I don't know how to get someone clean though. Can it be done without professionals? I mean, if I stayed with her through withdrawal, would she be alright then?"

"It'd be better if she was at an in patient facility," Heather replied. "But it can be done without. Thing is, Tori, it's not just the detox you need to worry about. People start using again out of the blue after being clean for decades. It's a lifelong struggle. The withdrawal is rough, but it's only the beginning."

"Yeah, I know," Tori replied. "I don't know what to do. I know it's late now, I should probably come home. I just...she said she was going to get some more tomorrow and I-"

"Stay there, Tori," Heather interrupted. "She shouldn't be left alone like that. Keep an eye on her breathing. Heroin depresses the respiratory system, so make sure she keeps breathing."

"Ok because that doesn't sound stressful at all," Tori said, immediately getting up and walking over to the bed to make sure the other woman was, in fact, breathing. "I won't be able to sleep at all. How do you know if someone is overdosed?"

"If it's been a couple hours, she's probably fine, but just to be safe, you should stay there. You can always call 911 if you are worried, but most often heroin ODs happen within the first hour, if not instantaneously."

"Most often, but not always, that's what you're saying?"

"No, but that's clearly what you're hearing. Look, everyone metabolizes things differently, so there isn't a hard and fast rule. Most ODs are really quick though. Ok? She is probably fine."

"Ok," Tori sounded unconvinced as she laid down beside Jade.

"I'll come by in the morning," Heather continued. "I have to head home tomorrow, but if you need to stay longer, that's fine. I'll come see you in the morning, alright?"

"You know, for a doctor, I feel like you should be more stressed about the risks of her overdosing here," Tori said, checking Jade's pulse.

"As a doctor, I know a little more about how these things work," she replied. "Now, goodnight! Love you."

"Night, love you too," Tori said, feeling guilty as she hung up. "I haven't done anything. I'm not going to do anything," she insisted to the dark of the room as she listened to the faint breathing from the woman next to her. "And I really loved you too, you know."


	10. Walking With Spiders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from the song "Terrible Love" by The National (which, again, is the song the fic title is from. It's a good song.)

_They were sitting on the floor in the janitor's closet. They'd skipped class and fooled around and Jade was leaning on Tori, her head resting on her chest, with Tori's arms wrapped around her and her chin resting on Jade's head._

_"I'm not saying we need to...be anything," Tori breathed into Jade's hair. "I just...I don't think this needs to be all secretive and stuff."_

_Jade pulled away then, her eyes fierce. "Don't you dare tell anyone about this."_

_"I just think-"_

_"No one. Not Andre, not anyone, Vega. Do you understand me? NO ONE."_

_"Ok, but..."_

_"This isn't a thing. We aren't a thing. This is just...it's nothing, OK? Don't try and make it into more than it is," Jade's voice sounded oddly more scared than demanding._

_It had happened more than enough times to constitute 'a thing', Tori thought, but she didn't say so._

_Jade got to her feet and smoothed her hair._

_"We still have a half hour left before fifth period," Tori said, reaching for the other girl's hand. "We don't need to go yet."_

_Jade pulled her hand away, sending an exceptionally harsh glare her way before storming out._

_Tori stayed in the closet alone for the remainder of the period, running scenarios through her mind, trying to figure out a way to get Jade to relax a little about this whole thing between them._

_The green-eyed girl was exceptionally vicious to Tori in front of everyone else for the rest of the day and when Tori arrived at home and marched up the stairs to lay face down in her bed and wallow in a fit of Jade-induced depression, she was utterly shocked to find the other girl waiting in her room, with a single white rose in hand, no less._

_Tori shut the door behind her as she entered, warily, and Jade thrust the flower toward her._

_It was clearly meant to be an apology for her behavior, though Jade never said she was sorry._

_But it was more than enough for Tori._

Tori had barely managed to stay awake the entire night, but she did it. She spent hours reading about heroin, trying to understand what exactly she was up against. She was just about to finally nod off when Jade stirred beside her.

Glancing at the clock, Tori saw was it was nearly eight in morning.

"I thought I told you to let yourself out," Jade mumbled, rubbing her eyes.

Tori hesitated, not sure how to respond, if she should just jump right in or… "You are going to kill yourself." Jump right in it was.

Jade half laughed. Not the warm laughter she'd emitted when high, but the bitter, cutting laugh Tori was much more familiar with. "Go home, Vega."

She rolled over to get out of the bed, but Tori grabbed onto her, wrapping her arms around her middle. "No, you need help. I'm going to help you. I'm going to stay here until everything is OK."

Jade paused a moment, then quickly turned back to face the other woman, whose arms were still wrapped about her. "How would your wife feel about you lying in bed with your arms around another woman?"

"She—she's not my wife yet," Tori stammered, regretting it immediately.

"Seriously, Vega? _That's_ your response?" that bitter laugh came again. "Ok, well, when's the wedding? Have you had a bachelorette party? Maybe that's what we should do now. Or something _like_ a bachelorette party. Maybe a little more than your intended would like, but she doesn't need to know."

"I don't-"

Jade kissed her hard, tangling her hands in the soft brown mess of Tori's hair.

Tori kissed back in spite of herself, but managed to find the will to break it off. "No, we…this…this isn't what I came here for."

"Uh huh," Jade pushed her back and straddled her.

"Jade…" Tori protested weakly, but Jade pulled her shirt up over her head and leaned forward to kiss her again and that was it, the end of all Tori's will power.

Tori flipped them back around and started sucking on that place behind Jade's ear that she always used to love. It only took a moment for Tori to be sure that spot still drove the other woman crazy. She moved her hands down to Jade's thighs, sliding them up under her skirt.

By the time they were through, it was nearly nine and Jade was holding Tori tightly on top of her, one hand still tangled in her hair and the other hooked under her arm and around the back. When Tori made to move off of her, she tightened her grip and whispered. "Stay." So Tori did, resting her head on the other woman's chest and listened to the pounding of her heart, as her own breathing slowly evened out.

"You said you'd stay here until things were OK," Jade said then, her voice barely above a whisper. Tori tried to turn her head to respond, but Jade held her in place. Tori felt a warm drop on the crown of her head. "You were always there for me, Tori. Always, no matter what I did you were there. But then… then you left. You left me behind. You left me alone."

"What?" Tori finally pushed hard enough for Jade to let go of her head. "What are you-"

Their eyes met and Jade stared at her, not harshly but still unkind, glassy with unfallen tears and a single streak where one had managed to escape. "You were with someone else. Some other girl. The last time I saw you. I never… I wasn't with anyone else, Tori. No one. And I came back to you and you were with someone else."

"I—you said I didn't mean anything to you. You never answered my calls," Tori wanted to sound more angry than she did, wanted to sound less guilty. "You never even gave me your number when you changed it. I called you every week freshman year and you never answered."

"I wasn't with anyone for over two years after you. You were."

"How was I supposed to know you-"

"You left me," Jade repeated, sounding far more sad than angry or cruel, and pushed Tori off of her. She got up and made her way to the bathroom.

Tori clambered out of bed behind her. "You can't-I never-"

"I'm taking a shower," Jade interrupted, not looking back.

"We need to talk about-"

The doorbell chimed then and a sinking feeling in her stomach reminded Tori that Heather was stopping by on her way to the airport.

The shower door shut and Tori frantically threw on her clothes and hurried downstairs, opening the door to find not only Heather, but Beck and Trina as well.

"Look like you had a rough night," Heather said, smiling softly before leaning in and planting a gentle kiss on Tori's lips.

"Uh, yeah… I didn't get any sleep," Tori replied, her voice much quieter than she'd intended. "I didn't expect you guys to come along," she turned to Beck and Trina.

He shrugged. "We're all on our way to the airport, so why not travel together? Plus, I just thought I'd say hi to Jade before we left," Beck interjected. "Is she up? She always used to sleep late."

"She's in the shower."

He nodded. "Ah, so it'll be awhile."

"And I just wanted to be able to visit a celebrity house, even if it is just Jade," Trina shrugged. "Would you believe this is the first time I've been _invited_ to a celeb's house?" she nudged Heather with her elbow. "I've been to some before, but they always ended up with restraining orders against me."

"I don't think you were _technically_ invited here," the blonde responded with a slight laugh.

"Well, whatever."

"Anyway, I am going to talk to some of my colleagues and see if I can find out which addictions specialists down here are the best."

"I-" Tori started.

"I know you want to stay longer, it's fine with me," Heather said. "She's lucky to have a friend like you, Tori."

Tori swallowed hard, noticing Trina's glaring eyes over the shoulder of her clueless finacee.

"That reminds me," Heather continued. "I wanted to show you a site has a lot of good information for you, if you plan to see her through withdrawals. Let me go grab my laptop, it'll just be a sec."

"Well, hurry. Our flight leaves at eleven."

"Which way is the restroom?" Beck asked.

Tori looked back over her shoulder. "No idea. I haven't actually seen most of the house."

"I'll find it then," he passed her and wandered down the hall, checking several doors before finding a small half-bath.

"So...rough night, huh?" Trina asked bitterly.

"I don't know what I'm going to do," Tori gasped, tears suddenly falling. "I don't know how to do this. And Heather... I don't know what I'm going to do."

Trina stepped forward and pulled her little sister in for a hug, her anger and disappointment near instantly replaced with sympathy. "You'll figure something out. Just...figure it out soon and don't leave Heather out of the loop. She loves you, Tor. She doesn't deserve this."

"I know..." she said, her voice muffled against Trina's shoulder.

She stepped back and dried her eyes quickly as Heather jogged up the path to the front door with her laptop.

The three of them were gone by the time Jade got out of the shower and Tori was trying to make breakfast but finding Jade's food selection sorely lacking.

"Why are you _still_ here?" Jade asked, her voice rife with annoyance.

"Why are you _still_ asking me that?" Tori shot back, though her voice lacked the snark she'd intended and just came out tired and weary.

Jade opened her mouth to reply, but found no words this time.


	11. Sink of Blood and Crushed Veneer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song "Skinny Love" by Bon Iver

Jade refused breakfast, even though Tori had destroyed the kitchen in her effort to make pancakes before settling on popping a few waffles in the toaster. The actress opted for her usually morning routine- a strong cup of black coffee, with two sugars.

Tori rambled on about the importance of a well-balanced breakfast, but Jade just sipped her coffee and eyed the other woman with suspicion. Eventually, Tori gave up and ate all the waffles herself.

"Have you ever tried to quit?" Tori asked finally, bracing herself for some undeservedly vicious retort.

"Twice," Jade answered plainly. "First time I didn't really research anything and only made it two days before I couldn't handle the withdrawal pain. Second time I had some flu medicine and a better idea what to expect. I made it through and was clean for three months."

Tori's shoulders slumped. "Then why did you go back?"

Jade shrugged. "I couldn't remember a single good reason not to use."

"Jade-"

"Don't say it's killing me, that's not a good enough reason for me," Jade interrupted. "I don't expect you to understand because you've always been so...happy. And I...I won't say I wasn't happy until I used, because that's not true. I have some good memories. But... they are just moments, surrounded by perpetual unhappiness and loneliness. I don't think I've been happy since senior year, except when I'm using. And I don't really see how to change that. You'll say I need to push through it and get to a place where I can feel normal- I know. I've read all the sites, all the books. But what am I left with when the drugs are gone? I don't have anything or anyone."

"You can go out, meet people, do things," Tori offered. "If you're just sitting at home by yourself getting high, you'll never have anyone or anything but that."

"It's not a bad thing to have."

"It's a terrible thing to have!"

"Yeah, maybe," Jade allowed. "But it's better than feeling alone all the time. Doesn't matter who I'm with or what I'm doing. I'm always alone."

"You aren't alone, though," Tori tried. "You have me and Andre and you could call Beck whenever you wanted, he'd always talk to you."

"And Cat, I had Cat," she bit her lip. "Cat was the only one who came around regularly. But Beck and you are the only people I could ever talk to, really talk to. And you both left."

"You could've called. I would've come down here if you needed me," Tori insisted.

"You should just go home, Tori. This conversation isn't going to get you anywhere. First thing all those sites and books will tell you is that the addict has to want to give it up, it has to be _my_ choice, not yours. And I don't want to give it up. So go home to your soon-to-be wife."

"I'm not going anywhere," Tori stated plainly, her eyes fixed on the woman across the table. "I don't care how you want to do this. We can go to a treatment center, we can do it here- I'll call Andre, have him bring some medicines and Gatorade by- I'll stay with you the whole time. And once that's over, we can work on your depression. There are ways to fix it, Jade. Better ways than this."

"Vega-"

"I'm not leaving you here to die, alone in this huge house, convinced no one in the world cares about you. I care. You know that," Tori took her plate over to the sink. "So give me a chance to help you. Because you are right, I can't help you if you won't let me."

Jade finished her coffee and set the mug down on the table. She was already feeling nauseous and fidgety, the early stages of withdrawal starting. They would only get worse until she got her next fix. If she got another one. She could try this again, maybe it would be easier with Tori here. But how long would Tori be here? Jade didn't see herself lasting much longer than the length of Tori's stay, but the other woman had to go home some time. She had a life in San Francisco. She had Heather in San Francisco.

Cat's face came to her then, unbidden, and that spacey laugh and that eternal smile. Cat had been so disappointed when Jade relapsed after three months. Jade had been disappointed at her failure as well, though she wouldn't admit it. Cat would want her to get clean now, more than anything that is what Cat wanted for her. She mentioned in whenever they saw each other. Yet she still took some when Jade offered, and took it again that night a week before. And Cat was happier even then Tori...so why did she need it?

Maybe she wasn't that happy. Maybe that was all an act. Maybe if Jade had ever bothered to ask, she would know the answer. Maybe if she had paid more attention, she'd have known Cat was going to shoot up that night, but she was preoccupied with thinking about her own next fix. No matter how she looked at it, Jade was still to blame for what happened to Cat.

If that wasn't rock bottom...

"I killed Cat-"

"No, you didn't, Jade, you can't-"

"Let me talk!"

"Ok, sorry."

"I killed her by not getting clean. I gave it to her the first time and I kept using it around her and I should've known if she was still using or if...And she always wanted me to quit and she was so upset with me when I failed after three months that she stopped talking to me for over a month. It was the longest I'd gone without seeing Cat since we met. I hated how much I disappointed her. I should have known if she was hurting or whatever, but I didn't because I was so wrapped up in myself."

Tori didn't say anything as she sat back down across the table.

"I don't..." Jade hesitated, her voice quiet. "How long can you stay with me?"

"As long as you need me."

_So forever?_ Jade thought. "I can try."

Tori smiled then. "I'll have Andre bring some things over."

"Tori..." Jade stopped her when she moved to grab her phone.

"What?"

"Just...don't get your hopes up on this."

"One of us has to hope," Tori said with a smile, tilting her head to the side. "And optimism has never been your thing."


	12. Cold For Years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song "Bad Blood" by Bastille

Andre hesitated on the steps outside of Jade's house. A week ago he'd been called here by the actress to find Cat's lifeless body in the living room. He didn't want to go in, but Tori had begged him to come. He was here for Tori, not for Jade. He took a deep breath and knocked.

Frazzled, Tori yanked the door open. "What took you so long? I called you four hours ago!"

"Well, I have a job too. And I didn't exactly want to be here," he said, handing Tori the paper bag from the grocery store.

"I know, I know, I'm sorry," she said, standing aside to let him. "It's just... this all seems to be getting bad fast."

"Yeah, well..."

"She's in her room. I turned the whole place upside down to make sure she didn't have anything hidden anywhere. I think it made her mad," Tori explained. "She didn't want me to call you either."

"I'm happy to leave."

"No, no, I need you here. You just aren't allowed in her room."

"Fine, I'll go watch some TV."

"I'll be down in a minute," Tori responded, giving him a quick hug. "Thank you so much!"

Jade wasn't in the bedroom when Tori got there, but a retching sound from the adjacent bathroom gave her away.

"Hey," Tori said softly, pushing the door open. "I got some Nyquil."

"Fuck off," Jade growled, her head resting on the side of the toilet bowl.

Tori sighed and poured a dose of medicine. "Here. Andre brought some Gatorade, the green one you like. You need to stay hydrated. It'll help."

Jade flushed and sat back against the wall.

"You want anything to eat?" Tori set a bottle of Gatorade on the floor beside her.

"I just puked up my insides."

"Well, let me help you back to bed," Tori held her hand out to help her up.

"No, I'm going to stay here."

"Ok," Tori leaned back against the counter.

"You don't need to watch me vomit," Jade groaned. "Just go. And turn the light off."

"I told you I'd be-"

"You already destroyed the entire upstairs, Tori," Jade groaned. "I told you there isn't anything in the house. I used the last I had last night."

"I know, but-"

"Just turn the light off and go!"

"Ok, " Tori held her hands up. "Just let me know if you need anything at all. I'll set the bottle by the bed.

"Whatever," Jade closed her eyes and rolled her head back, squeezing her arms tightly across her middle.

_"It's just...she told me not to tell anyone, ok? But I just need to talk to someone about it," Tori squeezed the red couch pillow close._

_"So...you and Jade?" Andre affirmed, sipping some Italian cocoa. He had ridden his bike to the Vega's house in the middle of the night after receiving a frantic phone call from Tori. "Can't say I don't understand it. But want me to dress up like her and act obnoxious to help you get over her?"_

_"I don't think that would've worked on you if you'd slept with her," Tori said, half trying to lighten the mood, half completely serious._

_He laughed. "Yeah, that's probably true."_

_"But I don't know what to do. I mean, she just sort of shows up randomly and we...just...most of the time she's meaner than ever. And I don't...I don't like that I just let her treat me like that, but she can be so...like weirdly sweet when we're alone."_

_"I know what you mean. I mean, not exactly the same, obviously," he chuckled. "But that's kind of what I felt like that night she helped me with my song. And it's what Beck has always said whenever we'd give him a hard time about her. You know, he took their latest break up particularly hard. Wonder what he'd say if he knew."_

_"That's not funny. I never...they were broken up and I...you know I feel terrible about that anyway. I didn't kiss Beck because I said I couldn't kiss my friend's ex and now I... I did more than kiss his ex."_

_"He'll be chill," Andre replied with a shrug. "I don't mean he's not over her. He is. It was tough on him, but he said it was never the same when they got back together anyway. He said it felt like she just wanted him back because it was just what she was used to."_

_"Still. I'm a hypocrite."_

_"Maybe a little. But hey, I think we all know that not kissing friend's exes isn't the real reason you didn't want to kiss Beck."_

_She smiled. "Yeah, there's that."_

_"I don't get why you never told us sooner though, Tori. I mean, it's a performing arts school. There's plenty of gay kids."_

_"My family isn't as... liberal. I mean, I don't think they'll kick me out or anything, but I know they won't be pleased. And I don't want it to be this thing that everyone associates with me, you know? It's no one's business and I don't even know what I am or what I'm doing and I don't know."_

_"I hear you."_

Tori paced back and forth in the living room while Andre flipped through the channels.

"She doesn't want me up there, but I don't know what to do down here."

"Sit, watch TV, sip Italian cocoa."

"No. She just doesn't like to be seen when she's all...sick and stuff," Tori explained. "But I don't care about that. I just want to make sure she's OK."

"Uh huh."

"Look, I know you are still angry with her, but-"

"No, it's not that, I mean...yeah, I'm angry, but I am more worried about you getting involved. Tori, you've got a great thing going in San Francisco. Heather is great and Jade's a wreck"

Tori glared at him. "She just needs someone to help her out."

"If you say so, but I'm the one that's been here for years, dealing with her," he replied. "I hope you can get her sorted out, Tori, I really do. I just don't think it's going to happen. Especially not if she's doing it for you and not for herself."

"She's doing it for herself."

"Is she?"

"Why would she be doing it for me?"

"I don't know, Tori, why would she?"

"Can you answer a question without a question?"

"Can you ask a question you don't already know the answer to?"

She scowled at him. "I'm going to go check on Jade."


	13. No One's Careful All The Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song "Heavenfaced" by The National

_Fucking stupid, she's not even going to stay here. She has a life. You think she's going to stay here, with you? Especially after seeing this disgusting display_. Jade wiped the sweat from her brow and laid down on the floor, pressing her cheek to the cold tiles. _The sweating and the snot and the shit and the vomit and its only been half a day._

_And even if I make it through this, what then? I can't have Tori, she's taken. And I already ruined enough lives anyway, so why should I ruin hers too?_

_You shouldn't and you won't. She'll be disappointed in you for a bit, but she'll move on. She'll forget you and then things will be OK for her._

_I don't think so. She can't forget me. I don't know why, but I know she can't. I've got my filthy claws in her heart and she doesn't even realize it._

_It's pointless. You will just use again as soon as she's gone. Why wouldn't you? You've got nothing but this. You can have a warm fuzzy feeling inside or a gaping black pit. It's not a hard choice._

She groaned and rolled back onto her side. It was impossible to get comfortable. The growing ache in her bones was spreading and every nerve was on fire. Or it was too cold. Her body couldn't really make up its mind.

"Hey," she heard a soft voice from the other end of the room, followed by the lights switching on.

She pulled a towel over her face. "Go away."

"You haven't drank anything yet. You need to drink."

"I shouldn't even be doing this."

"Doing what? Lying on the floor? Yeah, the bed is probably more comfy."

"No, this whole thing. What's the point, Tori?"

"To get you healthy," the other woman answered matter-of-factly.

"Why should I care about being healthy?" Jade tried to sit up, but a spasm in her back prevented her from doing so and she rolled onto her stomach and folded her arms under her.

"Look, I know how you feel, but-"

"No, you really don't," Jade interrupted. "How could you possibly know how this feels? Yeah, it's like a bad flu, a really bad flu, and maybe you can imagine that part 'cause everyone's had the flu, but you don't know what it's like to have to go….to try to go without it forever? You don't understand how it feels."

Tori sighed and took a seat on the floor, her back against the counter. "Let's just talk, OK? Take your mind off it."

"Just leave me alone."

"No can do, it's worse for you if you're just wallowing in here by yourself," Tori shook her head. "So let's talk. Do you have any projects coming up? Andre said your manager wanted you to take some time to get well, but maybe anything booked for a few months out."

"No, nothing booked."

"Anything you would like to do?"

"Sit here in the dark. _Alone_."

"Jade…"

"Fine, uh, there's talk about a version of Neil Gaiman's Sandman series being adapted for television. I think it might be a fun project. I think I'd make a good Death."

"Maybe you should try for more upbeat roles?"

"Death is upbeat. You've never read Sandman, clearly," Jade scoffed. "She'd probably be your favorite character."

"What's Sandman about?"

"Too much for me to explain."

"Do you have it? I haven't read a good book in a while."

"It's a comic series."

"A comic book? I…never pegged you as someone who'd read comics."

"I don't. Just this one. It's not superheroes in tights or anything. I have it somewhere."

"And you can't summarize it?"

Jade sighed with annoyance. "It's about a man, sort of a god, but not technically, and how he learns…"

"Learns what?"

"That he needs to change or die."

"Huh."

"Just go away," she turned to face the wall.

"What was it like working with Jennifer Lawrence?"

"Tori…"

"I'm not leaving. We are going to have a conversation whether you like it or not."

Jade groaned. "Can you at least turn the light back off then?"

"Fine," Tori relented, reaching up and flipping the switch before settling back into her spot.

"I don't want to talk about me. Tell me what you've been doing. Why don't you sing anymore? What happened to making everything shine?"

"I still sing, just not in a public setting."

"Why not?" Jade repeated, trying to focus on the sound of the other girl breathing in the darkness, and not on the sharp aching of her lower back.

"I don't know, it just…became less practical? I was in a few musicals in college, but I just stopped seeing music as a realistic career path. You remember that time I was picked to perform at the Platinum Music Awards? And Mason Thornsmith made me dress in ridiculous clothes and act like a tool?"

"Yeah," Jade half laughed. "You didn't perform the way he wanted in the end, though."

"I know, but it made me realize that pop music really is more about image than talent. And honestly, even if it's getting better, I don't think I'd do too well if the whole country knew I was gay."

"Lady Gaga made a big deal of being bi and no one cared."

"Yeah, but being outrageous is part of her thing. Being outrageous isn't me. I don't mean being bi is crazy or anything, but just…it had a shock value and that's part of what she's all about. I'd want to be taken seriously as a singer and either people would only want to talk about my sex life or they'd hate me for it. Either way, it wouldn't be about music, it would just be about me being gay. If I wanted to be taken seriously as a singer, I'd have to…probably not date anyone because of paparazzi and… I just… I could either be myself or a pop star, but I couldn't be both. I chose being myself."

"Do you ever regret it?"

"No," Tori answered, surprising herself a little when she realized how much she meant it.

"Then why did you say you weren't happy yesterday?"

"I didn't say I have no regrets. Just that isn't one of them. I think I made the right decision and I think I'd have been much less happy if I'd gone that route. I think we were all a bit starstruck in high school. And I don't think any of us realized what careers in the entertainment industry really meant, what they really take from a person."

Jade didn't say anything and Tori continued.

"When I said I wasn't happy…I don't know what I meant. I mean, everything is fine. I've got a good job and Heather is…she's amazing. She's so smart and funny and kind. I mean, can you imagine if… heh, if we were a couple and I was staying at another woman's house like this, you would be insane. I don't think I'd be nearly as OK with it."

"I'd hardly be 'insane' over _you_ , Vega."

"You know what I'm saying," Tori laughed. "I just mean… I'm lucky and everything with me is…just fine. So I don't know why I'm…I don't even want to say unhappy because that's not really true. I just…I don't know."

_You're stuck. It's like nothing you do really matters, even when it obviously does. You want something else, more passion, more life. Everything being picture perfect doesn't make anyone happy, not really_. "Sounds like you're an ingrate."

"Gee, thanks, so helpful."

"Anytime," she replied bitterly, still struggling to get comfortable.

Tori flipped the light on and noticed the still-untouched Gatorade. "Seriously, Jade, you need to stay hydrated, drink!"

"It'll just make me puke."

"Just try, OK?" Tori asked, grabbing the bottle off the counter and handing it to her. "Please?"

Jade pulled herself up by the wall and grudgingly reached for the bottle. "You are a real pain, you know. Heather could do better."

"She could," Tori agreed, trying to smile, but finding herself saddened by the admission. "Considering."

Jade watched her through heavy lidded eyes, feeling strangely guilty. "You aren't married yet, Tori. What happened with us…doesn't…" she hesitated. "It didn't mean anything."

Tori stiffened at that, shooting an uncharacteristically cold glare at the other woman. "I know that isn't true. No matter how many times you want to tell me I'm nothing to you, I know that isn't the truth."

The actress didn't reply to that, only turned away and gingerly sipped the sports drink in hand.

"I'm going to go get something to eat. I'll be back in a few minutes," Tori pushed herself to her feet and made for the door.

Jade did not fail to notice the faintest glimmer of tears in the other woman's eyes. _Sorry I dug those claws in so deep, Tori._


	14. Swallow the Light from the Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song "Black Balloon" by Goo Goo Dolls

The physical agony of the withdrawal kept Jade confined to her room most of the time, though she did venture downstairs a couple times. She made it a point to be a vicious as possible to both Tori and Andre when she did, and her fury at them was not entirely without reason- after all, they weren't in pain. They didn't feel like their stomach was rolling over on itself, they didn't have cramps in muscles they didn't even know existed, they didn't have a vomit-tired throat. They were just hanging out, watching old movies on her enormous flatscreen while she writhed away upstairs. And they were right to do so. That's really where the anger came from. That she knew they were helping her, that she needed to do this, though she wasn't entirely sure why, and that just made her even angrier at them, for all their infuriating _goodness._

Jade's temper reached its peak the night of her second day sober, but it was so utterly expected that neither Andre nor Tori were particularly wounded by the insults she hurled at the both of them. In fact, they found themselves laughing instead, which only further fueled Jade's rage until she stormed back upstairs and into her room.

Tori followed her shortly after hearing glass break, and almost got hit in the head when Jade hurled her Oscar across the room the second she opened the door. A gesture so over-the-top that Tori couldn't help but think of Trina. She dared not make that comparison to Jade, though. Instead she picked up the statuette, noting a knick right in the face- the small hole in the wall-that-could-have-been-her-face got the worse end of the deal though- she frowned and decided not to mention that to the angry girl yet either.

She set it on the dresser and offered to make Jade some chicken noodle soup, but was met with a scowl, and so raised her hands in surrender and made to leave again, her now-customary "Let me know if you need anything" being followed by a quick "And don't hurt yourself!"

By the third day, Jade was less furious but far more emotionally volatile. She hadn't slept more than an hour since the night she was high and her eyes were red with lack of sleep. The nausea had abated some and that afternoon she finally agreed to try some soup when Tori offered to make it.

Downstairs, Andre set about actually making the soup because Tori was a terrible cook and although she would try really hard and undoubtedly give it her all, it would be disgusting and he had to eat it too.

Tori intended to take the food up to Jade, but was surprised when she joined them in the kitchen.

"Afternoon sunshine," Andre greeted her. "Any comments on my lack of a music career today? Maybe something about my crazy grandmother, again? Ooh, or that one about my love life- a little on the nose, considering your own romantic issues."

Tori shot him a silencing look and he smirked, satisfied with himself, and set about serving the soup.

Jade never said a word and after the meal, she headed back upstairs again.

"You could be a little nicer, you know," Tori said to him after she'd left.

"Hah!" he nearly choked on his drink at that. "I could be nicer to her? You were here yesterday, remember? And you've known us both for what? 12 years, is it? And I'm the one that needs to be nicer?"

"I know, you're a nice guy and she's kind of a bitch, and she was particularly nasty yesterday, but you know how hard this is for her, Andre."

He shrugged. "I guess. She was weirdly quiet tonight."

"I think she's just tired at this point. She's barely slept in three days."

"I think you'd be defending her even if that wasn't the case. You always have," he said, tilting his head to the side. "I mean, except for when you are the one at war with her."

"I'm pretty sure I'm at war with her now, but it's just...different, somehow."

"Really? See, I was just thinking how you two hadn't seen each other in ten years and it seems like nothing has changed between you at all. You are trying so hard to be there for her, to carry her through whatever she needs carrying through, and she's fighting it with everything she's got because she really hates needing anyone, especially needing you."

"I don't know why she hates that so much," Tori frowned, leaning back on the couch.

"At least you finally know _that's_ what she hates. In high school where there were points when you seriously thought she hated _you._ So something has changed."

"We've all changed, Andre. That's what people do when they grow up."

"For better or worse," he nodded

"For better or worse," she agreed.

Upstairs Jade was staring at a collage Cat had made her when they graduated high school. It was buried under a series of shoe boxes in her closet, something she'd always intended to throw away, or so she said, but never had- probably because she never truly intended to.

It was ridiculously cheesy and covered in pink glitter, with pictures of the two of them and Tori, and a couple of Beck and Andre, and a creepy amount of Robbie. There was even one of Trina, though the older Vega was clearly photo-bombing a picture of Beck and Tori. Everyone was so, so happy in these pictures and even though there was plenty of angst in high school for the lot of them and Cat had obviously chosen happy pictures on purpose, Jade couldn't help but feel like the only one in those photos who was unhappy at all was her.

There was one picture though, where she knew she wasn't. Cat must've known it too because she centered the entire collage around it.

It was a photo of her and Tori after the other girl's Platinum Music Awards performance. Tori was on top of the world and Jade was...what? Nowhere, really. Except that wasn't true. She was the one who put Tori up there. She was the one who made Tori so happy that night. That was when she realized how much she didn't hate Tori, when she realized how happy she could be just by helping out a friend, when she tried her hand at being a supporting cast member instead of always trying to be the star of the show. Turned out it felt worlds better.

But she could never give in that easy and months later, after she and Tori had fooled around several times, she made a concerted effort to push the other girl away and reclaim the spotlight. Because that's what she was born for. As long as she could remember, that's what she was meant to be.

And she got it. The fame and the accolades and the cold hard light shining on her every minute of every day, and all the while, somewhere in the shadows of her mind, was Tori Vega, watching and waiting for...something.

_Waiting for me to fail,_ Jade had thought first, but soon after she corrected the thought, knowing Tori too well to believe she'd ever wish that. Tori would be there, rooting for her through everything, a constant cheerleader, no matter what. Waiting for acknowledgement then, maybe. Waiting for Jade to say they were friends, maybe waiting for a moment when Jade would tell her she wasn't nothing. Jade had almost thanked Tori in her speech to the Academy. Right at the very end. She hadn't said much at all. She thanked her director, the cast and crew, her manager, everyone expected. And then she'd said: "And for always being there, even when I didn't deserve it I want to thank..." she paused only a second, Tori's name flashing across her mind, but instead she simply finished: "my friends and family."

_My friends and family_ , she scowled. Tori was the only one of them who deserved it. She had meant to thank Tori, specifically, personally, knowing without a doubt that the other woman would be watching her speech. But she didn't do it.

_But she's still sitting in there, waiting for something from me. What am I waiting for?_

When she realized she was crying, Jade wiped the tears from her face angrily and shoved the collage back under the shoe boxes where she'd gotten it. She pushed herself to her feet and made her way to her bed, where she fell face down in the pillows and tried to sleep.


	15. The Weight of Water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song "Make This Go On Forever" by Snow Patrol

" _So did you tell her?" Andre asked, leaning against Tori's locker as she unpacked her things and removed the stars. It was their last day at Hollywood Arts._

" _No," Tori replied, her voice a mixture of shame and disappointment. She had practiced her speech a million times in the mirror the day before, practiced telling the mirror that she not only loved Jade, but that she_ knew _Jade loved her too. That she wasn't_ nothing _to her, no matter how much the other girl insisted on saying so. She knew it was all an act. The only thing she didn't know was why Jade stuck to it, why she wouldn't admit it, when she always claimed not to care what others thought of her. Tori didn't need a public declaration. She just wanted some acknowledgment that what they had wasn't nothing. So why couldn't Jade give her that? Just in private, just between them. No one else would ever need to know about it._

" _I don't know how you can just keep it all bottled up inside. That sort of thing just gets me all wonky inside."_

" _Yeah, I remember," she nodded. "I just…I couldn't. When I saw her this morning, I marched over to her locker all determined and I was going to grab her and drag her to the janitor's closet and…I just couldn't do it. She looked at me strangely and I froze."_

" _You mean, her death glare? She looks at you like that all the time, I thought you were used to it by now."_

" _No, it wasn't that, it was…different. I don't know how to explain it," she said. Hurt, apologetic even. But Tori thought maybe she was just seeing what she wanted to see there._

" _So now what?"_

" _Now nothing," she shrugged. "Robbie wants to plan a beach trip before we all go our separate ways this summer. You up for it?"_

" _Always, but are you?"_

_Tori shrugged. "Jade said she'd go."_

" _Maybe you'll get a chance to tell her then?"_

" _Maybe." Probably not._

Tori sipped her coffee and thought about how six weeks passed between that conversation and when they actually made it to the beach and she never did find the courage to tell Jade anything. She sighed and eyed the staircase, waiting for the other woman to descend and join her in the kitchen.

It was day six now and Tori had finally had it with staying around the house all day, so they were going out. Jade made a fuss, of course, but the worst of the withdrawal pains were past and though she was still sore and far from feeling great, Tori insisted getting out would be good for her. At least, it would distract her from how bad she felt.

"So where are we going?" Jade asked, not an ounce of excitement in her voice.

"I thought maybe we'd go get a new fish for your tank," Tori suggested. "I was talking to the guy that maintains it for you yesterday and he thought-"

"That's stupid. I don't need any more fish. The angel keeps killing them anyway."

"Well, we can find one more compatible with it."

"The sailfin tang is compatible with it."

"Well, let's get one of those."

"I have one already. That's the one with the stripes. I told you-"

"It died. He pulled it out yesterday and-"

Jade turned on her heel and left the kitchen without a word.

Tori followed her to the living room and found her standing by the tank, staring intently at the bright orange angelfish.

"Is it just him now?"

"No," Tori said, standing beside her now. "The other four are still around. They've been hiding a lot lately. But see there is the blue one."

"The blue one doesn't care about anything and the jawfish I never see so I don't really count him. Is the gramma still in there? He's always in the same cave. Yes, there he is. The wrasse kind of annoys me. But the tang was my favorite," her voice was thin and quiet. "The clowns and now the tang."

"We'll get another one," Tori offered, putting a hand on Jade's shoulder. "It's a fairly common fish, according to the guy. There's other tangs too—you could get one like Dory!"

Jade rolled her eyes. "I don't want a _Dory_."

"Well, then something else, come on," Tori insisted, grabbing her by the arm and dragging her after. "We'll find something better than the sailingfin."

"Sailfin," Jade corrected under her breath.

Once in the car, Jade had directed Tori to the fish shop of her choice—emphatically when she realized Tori was just planning on going to a big chain pet store. It was a forty-five minute drive to the other store, but Jade insisted on it.

Though she knew nothing about fishkeeping, Tori could see why Jade preferred the smaller fish shop. The tanks were all gorgeous and it was full of fish she had never seen before. She felt like she was actually visiting an aquarium.

Jade was less enthralled and every time Tori picked a fish she shot it down almost instantly.

"There's no sailfins," she shrugged after a quick walkthrough. "Let's go home."

"What? No. The tank is empty. You need a new fish. So what if it's not a sailingfin? Ooh, what about that one? It's a yellow tang. You don't have any yellow fish."

"The jawfish is yellowish. And I don't like yellow tangs. They're either skittish or jerks. There's already one jerk in the tank."

"Ok, what about this?" she leaned down to read the tag. "A queen triggerfish?"

"Will murder everyone else in the tank."

"How about some clownfish then? You said you used to have them. They're so cute."

"Will be murdered by the angelfish."

"Alright, well, there has to be something else that will fit in and that you'll be happy with."

Jade shook her head. "I need the sailfin tang. The angel won't bother it and it won't bother the others—who are all probably doomed by the angel anyway."

"Maybe you need to get rid of the angelfish? Then you can start over and have all compatible fish and-"

"No, I'm stuck with the angel," she interrupted angrily. "The angelfish is just being an angelfish. That's just the way it is and maybe I should've done more research, but it's my fault and I'm stuck with it now."

"OK," Tori answered, though she was sure she'd seen a sign regarding trade-ins. "Calm down, they're just fish."

Jade shot her a hard glare then. "The sailfin was my favorite and that's the one I want. I don't want to just get rid of the angelfish because it's difficult. It just needs a fish that won't put up with its bullshit and that won't hurt it either."

Tori didn't say anything. She was trying to work out why Jade was getting so upset over fish and come up with a better way to spend the afternoon since this seemed to be a bust.

"We're getting a shipment in shortly," a salesman working nearby chimed in. "I've ordered sailfins, but they've shorted me the last couple weeks. If you're willing to wait an hour or so, we should have some in."

"Ok, we'll go get something to eat," Jade replied, making her way toward the door without looking for Tori's opinion.

Jade didn't talk the entirety of their meal, but Tori didn't care because at least she ate. In fact, this was the first meal she'd had in over a week that Tori hadn't finished for her.

When they returned, the salesman greeted them—in fact, the whole staff greeted them, so clearly Jade was not unrecognized—with three sailfin tangs, all in plastic bags, filled with water.

Jade looked at each of them for several minutes before asking Tori to pick one while she paid.

"But you—you were complaining over this fish and now you don't even want to pick it out?"

"Don't get the one with the smaller stripes—my tank isn't set up for Red Sea fish. Pick between the other two. I can't decide."

"But-"

"Just do it," she barked. She dug around in her purse a bit before finding a fifty dollar bill. She shoved it to the cashier and walked out of the store.

"Um, that one?" Tori pointed to the fish on the left. "I don't know. You guys know fish. Which one looks better?"

They handed her the bag on the right.

"What was that about?" Tori asked as she climbed into the driver's seat and handed the bag over to Jade. "You're all obsessed with this fish and then you just abandon me there."

Jade wasn't listening to her. She held the bag up with both hands, turning it around to get a good look at the fish.

"I'm not taking it back in there," Tori said, worried Jade would find some weird fish flaw and tell her to go get the other one. "You told me to pick, I picked. If you wanted the other one, you should've stayed and done it yourself."

"She's perfect," Jade said, setting the fish down in her lap and turning to look out the window, away from Tori. "Let's go home."


	16. Don't Need the Fallout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song "Here Is Gone" by Goo Goo Dolls

After introducing the new tang, Jade spent what Tori thought an inordinate amount of time watching her fish tank the next several days. Tori would attempt to make conversation about the tank and its inhabitants, but would only be met with a glare. Jade didn't want to talk about the fish, she just wanted to watch them…in silence.

Andre came by with Chinese food for all of them, and Jade was perfectly civil, though she seemed to make a point of _not_ having a conversation.

And then when the maintenance guy came by again, Jade suddenly found her voice and started asking him a ton of questions about the system and started reading up on how to do it all herself. He was put off at first, then started enjoying himself as he discussed the tank in depth. While Tori was a little annoyed that Jade was all into talking about the fish with him when she wouldn't with her, she was happy to see how interested Jade clearly was.

The mood turned a bit sour when Jade fired him at the end of their discussion. Tori and Andre both tried to interfere, but to no avail. Apparently, Jade was determined to maintain the tank herself and did not need him to come by anymore.

After he left, she said to Tori: "If I'm not getting high, I need to do something else with my time."

"Well, yeah, but he…"

"I need to see if I can keep this up and running without anyone else's help," Jade insisted, refusing to make eye contact. "I can't count on other people. It's my tank and I need to be able to handle it myself."

"OK... but a lot of people pay other people to maintain their fish tanks. That doesn't mean you can't do stuff with it too, just that you have a professional overseeing…"

"Tori, shut up," Andre interrupted suddenly. "She's right. She needs to do this herself."

"But…"

"I'm going to take a shower," Jade cut her off and left the room then, having zero interest in discussing this with her.

"He's such a nice guy and he's been doing this for her for years," Tori said, turning to Andre. "I just think she could use the help."

"You don't get it, Tori," he shook his head. "It's not really about the tank."

"It's…what?"

"It's not easy to keep a tank like this running and keep everything alive and well-"

"Which is why she should keep him on-"

"It's not easy, but it can be done. It takes work and time and like she said, she needs something to do other than get high. This is a good hobby for her. It's relaxing."

"I really don't see why that-"

"Look, the biggest obstacle with getting Jade off smack is that she doesn't care enough about herself to do it. She is doing it for _you,_ Tori. And you're leaving soon. You're getting married to someone else and Jade is going to be right back where she was when she started using—missing you," he hesitated a moment, his voice low. "I'm not trying to say it's your fault- because it's not, obviously. But the fact is, you were a huge part of _why_ she started using in the first place. It's not an excuse for her. It was a remarkably stupid decision on her part. But it is what it is. And she's always relied on other people or other things to get her through her life. She leaned on Beck, she leaned on you, she leaned on the drugs. It's always up to someone else to make sure things end up OK. She needs to be able to make everything OK by herself. So she'll do this tank herself now, with no one's help."

"You always said Jade was just using me and that she never cared about me. You always said that I..." Tori faltered. "If she needed to replace me with something like that, then I obviously meant more to her than you thought. Or than I thought. How are you suddenly on her side in this? You've been railing against her this whole time and now..."

"I never said Jade didn't love you," he interrupted. "I knew she loved you in high school, a long time before you two ever hooked up. In her own way, she's kind of obvious about those things. But you're my best friend, Tori. I wanted you to be happy and I don't think Jade will make you happy. I know for sure she can make you miserable though. I care about Jade, too, I really do. I'm just...I've given all I can to helping her and I'm tired. You were always better at carrying her than the rest of us were. But you can't carry her forever."

"I don't want to upset her when I go home," Tori's voice was barely above a whisper.

"She isn't your responsibility. You've already bent over backwards for her and she knows it, even if she'll never thank you for it," he explained. "You've got a life of your own to get back to. This isn't your fight, it's hers."

"Yeah, but..."

"No," he cut her off again. "You need to go home. To your fiancee, remember?"

Tori flinched a little at that. "Yes, I remember," she replied bitterly, not appreciating his insinuation at all. "I've been talking to her every night."

"And then you go to sleep in the same bed as another woman."

"I'm not...we're not doing anything," she countered defensively. "Just sleeping. I want to make sure she doesn't sneak out or something. And Heather knows that I'm sleeping in the same room as her."

"Does Heather know you two are...sort of exes?"

She paused. "She...well...not _technically_ speaking...no."

"Would she be this OK with it if she knew that detail? Because I highly doubt it."

Tori let out an aggravated sigh and pushed past him, taking a seat on the couch.

He followed. "I'm not trying to upset you, Tori. I'm just saying..."

"I _did_ sleep with her," Tori interjected, her voice low again. "That night I stayed here instead of coming back to my Mom's house for dinner with all of you. I was trying to convince her to stop using. She was high. So I stayed with her until morning to make sure everything was OK and in the morning...we...sort of..."

He crossed his arms.

"I don't have any excuses. I haven't done anything since. But I hate cheaters. My family was broken up by cheating and I hate that I'm a cheater now. And I don't...I didn't tell Heather because I don't know how to tell her but if we're getting married I feel like I should tell her," despite her efforts, she was crying now. "The worst part is that I feel like I should feel worse about Heather. But I don't. I'm angry with myself for being the thing that I hate, but not for doing something so hurtful. Does that even make sense? In my head it's like...because it's Jade, it's different. But I know it isn't. But I've never cheated before. Never even thought about it- and I've had opportunities. There's this one woman I work with that has the biggest crush on me. And she's beautiful. I could've cheated with her a million times, but I never did because why would I do that? But this...it was Jade and Jade was always...I couldn't say no. But that's stupid. Of course I _could_ say no. But I didn't."

"Alright, well," he sat down beside her and rubbed her back. "All the more reason to go home then. You... you don't need to tell Heather about it. I don't see what good can come from that."

"Yesterday, on PearTime, she wanted to talk about the wedding. About a venue she found. And I had to get off the phone. I made up some excuse. I'm supposed to call her tonight to finish talking about it. I can't talk about that. But I can't say I don't want to talk about it. We've been together 4 years. We've been engaged for a year and a half. I've made up excuses to postpone over and over and she just keeps waiting for me, but I don't know what to say to her anymore. I don't have a good reason not to marry her."

"Are you looking for a reason not to marry her?" he asked, though he thought the answer seemed plain enough.

"What? Why would-"

"Because if you are, there's only one reason you need- you don't want to. I think she's great, but if she's not the one, she's not the one. End of story. But don't lead her on then. You need to figure out what you want."

"I don't know what I want. I love her, I really do. But I just...I don't know. Something's missing."

"So find it, whatever it is."


	17. A Beast Half As Brave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song "Jezebel" by Iron & Wine

It had been close to three weeks since Cat's funeral and Tori had finally booked a ticket home to San Francisco. She would leave first thing in the morning.

Andre was making dinner for the three of them while the women sat on the sofa in the living room, Tori going over a list of support groups in the area that she wanted Jade to check out, despite the other woman's protests.

"You're doing great, Jade," Tori insisted. "I just don't want you to give up as soon as I'm not here to keep an eye on your 24/7. You can always call Andre if you get lonely, he said he'll come over whenever you want. Just let him know. And you can call me anytime, OK? I don't care if it's the middle of the night and you want to talk about your sailingfin fish, you can always call, about anything."

"Sailfin," she corrected under her breath.

"Whatever. My point is, I don't want you ever to not call because you don't think you have a good enough reason to. There is no bad reason for calling."

"Alright, I get it," Jade sighed and leaned back on the sofa.

"You aren't going to just start again after I go?" Tori asked.

"I'm trying. I'm not making any promises."

"Jade…"

"I'm trying," she repeated. "I am. I just… I told you not to get your hopes up and I'm sticking to that. I'll do my best, but no promises."

Tori nodded. "OK. And you'll call me? Anytime-"

"Yes, yes, I get it, I can call."

"OK."

"So…have you set a date?"

"What?"

"For your wedding? You were talking about venues a couple days ago and-"

"Oh, I don't know. Nothing is set in stone yet."

"She is good to you. Better than I ever was," Jade said, without making eye contact.

"I…let's not talk about Heather, OK?" Three weeks and Jade hadn't spoken of Heather at all, aside from a snide remark or two that first day. Tori couldn't fathom why she was feeling the need to say something now. And why she wasn't insulting her, for that matter.

"You two will be happy together," Jade continued, still not looking at Tori. Her eyes had found their way to the fish tank instead.

"Maybe. We have a lot to talk about when I get home."

Jade looked at her then. "You're not going to tell her what happened when you first got here, are you?"

"Well, I…"

"Don't. That's stupid. She doesn't need to know, Tori. It's not going to help anything if you tell her."

"But-"

"I'm sorry. I know how… I remember what it was like for you when your Mom was cheating and I know what it was like with my parents. And I knew you were engaged and I shouldn't have…"

"I'm the one who's engaged. I'm the one that screwed up there," Tori cut her off, knowing full well she was the one to blame in that ordeal. "But thanks anyway."

_I'm sorry for everything, though_ , Jade thought. _Everything I've done. Everything I didn't do._

"I have to tell her. I won't be able to live with myself if I don't," Tori explained, her voice filled with resignation. "I have to."

"Alright, this is my grandma's recipe and it's been awhile since I've made it, so fingers crossed!" Andre called from the kitchen.

They got up and joined him at the table.

_After Jade's oh-so-in-character rejection of her on the beach earlier, Tori had avoided the other girl most of the afternoon and well into the evening. They built a campfire and roasted marshmallows and aside from a few stolen glances, the two didn't interact at all._

_It was near midnight when Beck, Robbie, and Cat all retreated to the RV to sleep. Andre wandered off with some girl he'd met. And Jade and Tori were sitting on opposite sides of the fire, not saying anything to each other for what seemed like forever._

_Jade was prodding the fire with a piece of driftwood, her eyes fixed on the dancing flames._

_Tori started running through all the things she could say, all the things she wanted to say, but couldn't seem to settle on anything. The words stuck in her throat._

_"Principle photography is supposed to be six weeks," Jade said suddenly._

_"Huh?" Tori looked across the fire at her, unsure what she was talking about._

_"You asked how long I'd be filming," Jade answered. "Earlier today."_

_"Oh, right," Tori nodded, remembering. "And you suddenly decided it wasn't a nagging question?"_

_Jade didn't say anything, but Tori continued talking, getting angrier with every word. "You freaked on me, as usual. I can't even have a conversation with you as a friend without you trying to rip my head off. Because telling me how long your shoot is would obviously inform everyone that we had sex, right? Even though no one was around when I asked anyway."_

_"Look, Vega-"_

_"No, I don't want to do this-" she paused then, her anger melting into a deep sadness and tears threatening again, but she would not give Jade the satisfaction. "I'm going to bed."_

_"Tori-"_

_"Screw you, Jade," Tori snapped, marching off to the RV without looking back._

_The next morning, Jade was gone. She'd apparently taken an early morning bus back into the city and that evening she boarded a plane for Canada._

_Tori was rather torn up over the fact that 'screw you' was the last thing she'd said to Jade, even if the other girl totally deserved it. She typed out several lengthy text messages, deleting all of them without sending them. Always apologizing and then deciding that Jade didn't deserve an apology._

_When Andre rejoined them for breakfast, he took notice of Jade's absence and sat beside Tori. He leaned over and spoke quietly. "Did you finally stand up for yourself?"_

_"Kind of," she shrugged. "I didn't say what I really wanted though."_

* * *

The first day alone in her house found Jade restless and fidgety. She spent several hours online, reading about possible ways to subdue the angelfish in her tank, though it seemed to be doing alright with the sailfin. It was still quite the jerk to the jawfish though and she was worried she might stress that one out to death as it had so many others.

There was only so much time she could spend reading about fish though.

She skimmed through some of the scripts that had been sent to her, figuring an interesting project would keep her occupied for awhile. Nothing stood out.

She tried to recall how she had passed the last few days with Tori and concluded that they spent a lot of time doing absolutely nothing. They just hung around and Tori talked. A lot. And Jade listened. Sometimes. And it was fine. Anyone else and Jade would've gotten bored of them and kicked them out, as she'd done to Andre at least three times in the last two weeks. Tori she didn't mind though. They could sit around for hours doing nothing and it was fine. She didn't want to be anywhere else then, not with anyone else, not doing anything else.

Tori was gone again now though. And Jade didn't know what to do with herself. There was only one thing that ever made the loneliness ease off and that was the one thing that was forbidden. She didn't know how long she'd be able to stay away this time, but she sure as hell wasn't going to let Tori down this fast.

She sighed and got up and continued to pace around a bit before settling on another idea. She found her laptop and relaxed on the couch- or tried to relax, anyway. She scrolled through her documents to find some old scripts and stories she had written, all unfinished.

Instead, she opened a blank document and started typing something new.

* * *

When she made her way up the stairs to her apartment door, Tori couldn't have felt more out of place. She'd lived here nearly two years, but she had the strange sense that she was intruding on someone else's life when she slipped her key into the lock.

And when she opened the door to find a candlelit spread and Heather standing with a bouquet of red roses, she found herself at a loss for words. Heather, of course, took this speechlessness as amazed appreciation, rather than the overwhelming guilt and dread that it actually was.


	18. Breathe Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a time jump here. Chapter title is from the song "Breathe Me" by Sia.

She toyed with the idea of sending the letters via e-mail, but decided it was too impersonal. She thought maybe she should deliver them in person, but thought that was too personal. So she found herself at the post office, staring at the blue mailbox, with four sealed envelopes in hand.

It was a week before Halloween. She had managed to stay clean for three months and was actually starting to feel like she might make it this time. Most days, anyway. Sometimes she didn't want to get out of bed. She'd received numerous invitations to parties at the end of the month, as it was well-known to be her favorite holiday. She didn't plan on attending any this year, knowing the likelihood of drugs being readily available at any one of them, and not believing she'd do all that well if put within arm's reach of a hit. Andre was going to come over nightly and they were going to marathon their favorite horror movies and that would be it.

She could give him his letter then, she supposed, but was certain she would withhold it if she had to face him. She hated herself a little for not being strong enough to say what she felt she needed to say, or at least being able to hand him the letter. But she wasn't, so she'd mail them. Just stick them in the blue bin and they'd be out of her hands and destined for their respective recipients.

It had taken her the better part of two months to write the letters, and she must have rewritten each of them twenty times over. On more than one occasion she'd typed a solid ten pages before deleting it all and starting over. By the end, all of them were only a couple short paragraphs, making it doubly ridiculous that it'd taken her so long to write them.

She took a deep breath, opened the mailbox, and dropped them in. They were out there now.

She headed into the nearby Jet Brew, feeling as though a weight had been lifted.

* * *

Beck was making breakfast while Trina sang her lungs out while applying makeup in the bathroom. Ten years before, he would've been cringing, but somehow, she didn't seem as bad anymore. Maybe it was the fact that he wasn't spending his days surrounded by talented singers that made her still-not-good singing seem less horrifying. Or maybe it was the fact that she wasn't trying to impress anyone, this was just her morning routine. One his neighbors above did not appreciate, but he'd never gotten along with them anyway.

"I'm going to run down and check the mail," he called to her before slipping out the door and starting down the stairs. It was strange, he thought, how he'd always been drawn to such extreme personalities. There was that time he dated Meredith, who had almost no personality, but in general he always went for the bolder girls. There had been Jade, his first love, and they didn't come much bolder than her in high school. He'd had a string of steady girlfriends in college, all of whom were expressive and theatrical. And now here he was seeing Trina Vega, the queen of melodrama. Things had changed then, even if they really stayed the same.

He twisted the key in the mailbox and grabbed out handful of mostly junk mail and sorted through it, throwing most of it away in a recycling bin set there just for that purpose. He tucked his cable bill under his arm and then another envelope caught his eye, neatly addressed to him in a familiar handwriting he hadn't seen in years.

He opened it as he made his way back up the stairs.

_Dear Beck,_

_You are the first person I'm writing to because you will always be the first person who really knew me. I think maybe we did so well together back then because we were both jerks in our own ways. I was more obvious about it than you. I inspired more hatred than you and I probably deserved more of it than you ever did. But I didn't write this to criticize you- shocking, I know- I wrote it to apologize. For everything. I'm sorry for being stupid jealous every time you ever looked at anyone else or they ever looked at you. I know without a doubt that you never cheated on me and never would've, so I don't know why I made it seem like I never trusted you. I always did._

_I think the worst part about our whole mess of a relationship is that I made you out to be some would-be cheater when I was the one who was interested in someone else. I never cheated on you, technically speaking, but there was a long time where I stayed with you when I shouldn't have, and I think maybe I was meaner than ever during that time. I don't know if I was just angry with myself, but putting it all on you because that was easier for me, but I was never really angry with you. Except for the time you tried to kiss Tori, which I saw through Cat's computer's camera, by the way. I have no right to be mad at you for that because we were broken up and all, but I was furious anyway. Whatever._

_Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for how I treated you. I'm sorry for how I treated our friends. I'm sorry for ruining your chance to go to Cancun with your aunt's family. I'm sorry for making out with Moose and bailing on that fundraiser you guys put on. I'm sorry for all the times our friends didn't want to hang out with us because I was such a tool._

_And I'm sorry that it's taken me ten years to apologize for any of it._

_Sorry._

_Jade_

* * *

Robbie was emptying his mailbox, half-expecting to see a bag of dog poop inside since that was what the neighbor kids insisted on doing to him at every chance. Instead, he was surprised to find a letter amidst the excessive ads and coupons, all of which he kept in a shoe-box to organize in order of value later that evening.

_Dear Robbie,_

_I know you hate me now more than ever and you probably should. I almost didn't write to you because I knew you wouldn't want to hear it anyway. But it's something I think I have to do so I'm doing it. I loved Cat, too. I really did. She was my best friend since we were kids and I would've died for her in a heartbeat. I don't think I'll ever not hate myself for what happened. I don't expect you to ever not hate me for it, and for everything else, either. But I need you to know it was never what I wanted._

_I sat down to write letters to everyone I'd ever hurt, to say I'm sorry. But it took me all of ten seconds to realize I've hurt everyone I've ever known and all the letters in the world won't fix it. I was always a bitch to you and most of the time you didn't deserve it. I know that Cat really loved you though and I'm sorry that I've ruined any chance you two had together. I truly am. I'm sure saying that is only going to upset you more._

_I don't really know what to say to you though._

_I'm so sorry, Robbie. There are no words for how sorry I am._

_Jade_

* * *

It was the morning of Halloween when Andre pulled a letter out of his P.O. Box. He eyed the return address with confusion, recognizing it as Jade's and not sure why she'd said nothing to him about mailing him anything when he'd seen her almost every night this week during their horror film fest. He would see her again tonight as well.

Dear _Andre,_

_Writing you is stupid since I see you all the time now, but I can't say any of this to your face, so this is what you get. I'm sorry for what happened; I'm sorry for how I've been the last several years. You are one of the only friends I've had around and I treated you like garbage. And even though you wanted to bail on me, you never did. Almost a few times, I think, but in the end, you have been there for me through everything. I realize you were maybe more here for Tori this time, but I appreciate it all the same. I don't think I'd have a chance in hell without you checking in on me so often._

_So I'm sorry for being such an ingrate all the time. Thank you for still being my friend._

_I'm sorry for hurting Tori all the time. I know how much that bothered you and, honestly, it bothered me too. I don't know why I couldn't stop. I really wish I was better to her. I know that she never deserved what she got with me. I'm sorry she didn't listen to you enough._

_Jade_

He wondered if Tori had insisted on her making amends and put her up to this, but he knew the two of them hadn't talked all that much since Tori went back to San Francisco. Tori called weekly to check up on Jade, and always reiterated her availability if Jade ever needed to talk to anyone, but Jade had told Andre that she didn't want to bother Tori constantly. And he understood full well when she needed to talk to someone, she called him instead.

* * *

Tori had spent the last two months burying herself in work and wavering endlessly back and forth over whether or not she needed to confess to Heather about her transgressions. She had spent her whole flight home building up her resolve only to have it shattered by roses and candlelight. She thought Heather had noticed something different in her demeanor, but figured the other woman must've been chalking it up to the stress of getting caught up at work, combined with the worries that Jade would start using again- Tori called her weekly, and called Andre almost every other day for a status report on the recovering actress.

The more time passed, the harder it got to speak up. She found herself falling back into the old familiar habits she'd had before she'd received that terrible phone call in the middle of the night. But it was not the same. Every time Heather smiled at her, she felt a pang of guilt in her gut, and she knew she had to say something. She just...needed the right time.

She got home early on Halloween and found a water-stained letter lying on the counter.

_Dear Tori,_

_This is the twenty-first version of this letter. The previous twenty will never see the light of day because none of them were right. None of them said what I wanted to say and I think, maybe, neither does this one, but I can't write it again._

_I don't know where to start in the long list of apologies I owe you. There's probably a million little things I should apologize for- for pouring iced coffee on your head when we met, for trying to poison you with bush daisies, for never calling you my friend when you were the best friend I'd ever had. But mostly, I am sorry for always making you feel like you meant nothing to me when you meant everything to me. For not thanking you as often as you deserved. For not hugging you enough. For not admitting that you were more than just some experiment or whatever it was I said to you that day on the beach. For never saying I loved you. For taking this long to say I love you. You are my best friend. I never would've gotten where I am today without you, in so many ways._

_I'm sorry for putting you in the position I put you in, by being such a wreck of a human being and preying on your insatiable kindness. I'm sorry for what happened between us after the funeral, though I don't really regret it. But you have a life and I didn't want to ruin anything for you. I've ruined enough for you. I'm sure what you have with Heather is great and I don't want to get in the way of that. I just...I couldn't help myself. It's stupid, I know. I missed you so much, Tori. And then you were there and it was just the two of us, alone in the room, and it was like it was ten years ago and I couldn't help myself._

_I'm sorry for everything._

_Jade_

Tori swallowed hard when Heather appeared across the island from her.

"I dropped the mail in the gutter and I opened it so it could dry out and be legible," Heather explained softly, arms crossed and eyes glistening. "I didn't mean to read it, but I just...couldn't help myself."


	19. Gifts for Boot Heels to Crush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song "Morning Theft" by Jeff Buckley

Tori fumbled for an explanation, any way out, but she knew the truth was the only thing that could really come out of this mess. Even so, she found herself unable to speak.

"You can see how this might be alarming," Heather prompted, gesturing toward the letter. "I can't bring myself to interpret any way other than what I have, but I really hope I'm wrong. Am I wrong, Tori?"

"I…uh…it's complicated," she stammered.

" _Complicated_?" Heather scoffed. "We're engaged. That's simple. What's so complicated about it?"

"It's not…I didn't mean-"

"Didn't mean to? Are you serious? No, you're going to need to do better than that."

Tori fell silent again.

"OK, I'm going to make this really easy on you," Heather said, her eyes focused firmly on Tori, who would not meet her gaze. "Sounds to me like you have a much different history with Jade than you let on."

"We weren't…a couple or anything. We weren't…anything. We just-"

"You were more than just friends, though."

"Kind of," Tori finally managed to pull her eyes from the floor. "It was a long time ago, though. And I hadn't seen her since the summer after senior year, so it's not like…"

"Like you were carrying a torch for her? Like maybe there's a reason we go to every movie she's in on opening night? Maybe there's a reason we have the season three box set of a series we don't watch because she guest starred in one episode? Like maybe there's more than a hectic schedule that's keeping you from actually agreeing on a date or venue or anything related to the wedding? I can go on."

"Look, I didn't...when I went down for Cat's funeral, I didn't expect to… I just…"

"Did you sleep with her this summer?" Heather asked pointedly, cutting her off.

Tori hesitated. "I…we…yes. Once. Only once."

"Oh, well, once is totally OK, again, not like we're engaged or anything," Heather threw her hands up, doing her very best to be more angry than hurt, but it wasn't entirely working.

"I'm sorry," Tori said, the words sounding insincere on her lips, though she was sure she meant it. "I didn't go down there planning on…I just... things got out of hand. I was upset about…everything. And I stayed the night because I wanted to make sure she didn't overdose and that was it, my only intention, I swear. But then when she was sobered up in the morning, it just…kind of happened. But it didn't happen again."

"Wait, you mean this happened the first night you stayed there? When I was still in the city?"

Tori didn't reply, not clear on whether or not that somehow made the transgression worse.

"And you still stayed down there? Instead of, I don't know, getting her outside help and leaving because obviously you can't handle boundaries."

"It didn't happen again," Tori repeated. "I stayed there to get her clean, that was it, and that's what I did. That's all."

"How convenient for you that going through withdrawals probably curbed her sex drive a bit," she growled.

"Heather, I never-"

"Do you even want to marry me? Because this, on top of how evasive you've been about anything to do with our wedding, doesn't sound like it."

"I…I love you."

"That isn't what I asked, but I guess it answers the question anyway," Heather's emotions were getting the better of her at last and she turned and left the room, slamming the bedroom door.

Tori wanted to comfort her, but she didn't see any way she could. More than that, she wanted to call Jade, but knew it would be cruel to do so.

* * *

Jade was parked on the corner, across from where she normally met James for a deal. She wasn't entirely sure how she'd gotten there, but assumed it was simply a force of habit. She wanted to see how close she could get, perhaps.

Three months.

Did she actually feel better? No, not really. She knew it was for the best, she'd always known as much, but she didn't feel any better. She felt decidedly worse, since she felt at all and she missed feeling nothing. At coffee that morning, her agent had said something about anti-depressants, maybe seeing a therapist.

"You're doing so well, but it's a never-ending thing," her agent said, between sips of coffee. "I can get you a list of people who specialize in this. It doesn't need to be a group thing. I know you aren't much of a team player. It's great that you've got some friends helping you out, but it couldn't hurt to talk to a doctor. Or you could try a group- I mean, I know you won't want to do that whole 'Hi I'm Jade, I'm an addict' thing, but maybe you could sit in, find a...what do they call them? A sponsor. Someone who has been there, you know?"

She'd gone on for the better part of an hour on how many people she'd known with this and similar issues, and Jade just nodded to everything she said and could not get out of the coffee shop fast enough by the end. And she got her in her car and drove here, of all places.

_She just wants to help, like everyone. It's aggravating._

_Tori also always wanted to help. And it was also aggravating._

She looked across the street and noticed the all-too-familiar figure in his denim jacket, felt her chest tighten at the sight. It took all the strength she had to pull her eyes off of him, to focus back on the steering wheel.

_I could tell Tori anything. She would listen to anything. She would try to help with anything. But she can't possibly understand this. She would try to help, but she can't because she doesn't know._

_I need to talk to someone who knows. And what shrink would know? How many of them are addicts themselves?_

When she glanced up again, James was gone. She let out a sigh of relief and turned the key in the ignition.

When she got home, she looked up several of the people on the list her agent had given her.

* * *

Tori spent the night on the couch. She reread Jade's letter several times, but resisted calling the other woman.

Instead, she called Trina. She called four times before her sister answered.

"WHAT?" she gasped angrily into the phone. "It's three in the morning over here, Tori!"

"I know, I just...I need to talk to someone."

"And you couldn't find anyone in your time zone?" Trina hissed, her breath seeming ragged.

"Why are you so out of breath?"

"It's the middle of the night. I wasn't asleep. You do the math."

"Oh. God. Sorry."

"Uh huh."

"Hey Tori," she heard Beck in the background.

"So what's so important?"

"Heather found out."

Trina sighed. "Yeah, well, that was bound to happen. Why didn't you just tell her? How did she find out? Why can't this wait until morning?"

"Jade sent me a letter and- I mean, she didn't say it outright, but it was easy enough to get from the context and I couldn't come up with anything else, and she's...I'm on the couch."

"Which is where you deserve to be."

"I know."

"What do you want me to say, Tori?"

"I don't know."

"OK, well..."

"I don't want to marry her," Tori blurted, surprising herself as she did. "I don't. I don't know why it's been so hard for me to admit that, but it's the truth. But it's not like I can just go be with Jade. I mean, she has way too many issues to be dealing with a relationship right now and even if she wanted to...it's Jade. It's me and Jade. We'd be a disaster, wouldn't we?"

"I don't know," Trina replied, then covered the mouth piece and looked at Beck. "She slept with Jade this summer and Heather found out."

"Damn."

"She is finally realizing that she doesn't want to marry her amazing girlfriend, but she isn't sold on a relationship with Jade either because Jade has too much baggage to sort out and also Jade is Jade and Tori is Tori, so how well could that possible work out?"

"Trina? Trina? Are you even listening to me?"

"Huh? Sorry, I was filling Beck in."

Tori scowled. "Put him on the phone. He'll probably be more useful than you."

"Rude!" Trina snapped, before shoving the phone toward him.

"Hey Tori," he greeted her again.

"Hey Beck, I'm sorry to...uh...interrupt."

"Didn't interrupt me, just her," he laughed.

Tori forced a laugh, but counted it as one of the many reasons she was better off gay.

"Look, Jade has a lot of stuff to sort out, you're right, but that doesn't mean she can't sort it out with you. You just...can't expect too much from her, you know? And you can't expect her to include you on everything, especially not with this. It's a balancing act. You need to be with her while still giving her plenty of space. Although she can be a little bit one-sided in that area- she'll want space, but she isn't good about giving space if you need it."

"So...you think I should go to her?"

"I think you need to talk to her, at least. Maybe get all this shit sorted out once and for all. Everything's in tangles when it comes to Jade, so it won't ever be easy with her. But maybe Heather is too easy? Maybe that's your problem."

"Maybe," she thought a moment. She still wasn't sold on how appropriate it was for her to be pursuing Jade at all, given the circumstances. "I'll let you...get back to it. I have a lot to think about. I don't think I'll be getting any sleep tonight anyway."

She stared at the ceiling for hours after hanging up, trying to put her finger on just what it was about Jade that made her so unforgettable. Ten years and she'd thought she'd left all feelings behind, but when she was her that summer, even under the dire circumstances, she knew that she hadn't moved on at all. She was determined that not be the case, so much so that she'd almost convinced herself, but then...not really.

Heather was right, there were a million little stupid things Tori did that she wouldn't have done if she didn't have feelings for Jade. It was pointless to deny it and after everything, she didn't think she had the energy for it anymore.

Beck was right. She needed to talk to Jade, needed to figure things out with her. But then, actually telling Jade how she felt, how she _really_ felt, had never been easy for her.


	20. Trouble Will Find Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song "Sea of Love" by The National

Tori glanced around the barren studio apartment. She'd been here a month. Heather was quick to decide they needed the time apart, perhaps permanently, and Tori couldn't argue. She moved out within two days and had been focusing on her work in the meantime. She hadn't spoken with Jade yet, other than continuing her weekly calls to check up on the other woman. She never mentioned the letter and she was sure Jade had noticed as much, but Tori had resolved to talk about it in person, so she refrained from bringing it up.

She laid down on the couch—the only piece of furniture she had—and stared at the ceiling. It seemed to be the way she spent her evenings if she couldn't find enough after-hours work to keep her at the office. She stared up and thought about all the ways she could approach the subject with Jade and she couldn't settle on any one of them. She wasn't entirely sure she knew what she wanted out of the conversation anyway, except that she didn't want to interfere in Jade's healing process in any way.

A week before she'd said as much to Trina and her sister had reminded her that a relationship of any sort with Jade could well interfere with Tori's own healing process. Andre had expressed similar sentiments when Tori had mentioned her break up with Heather and had hinted that she might pursue something with Jade.

"I feel like you're forgetting how upset you were those first couple years after high school, Tori," his voice was full of concern. "I mean, I know that there was more to it than Jade, but she was a big contribution."

Tori didn't reply to that, her mind wandering back to that day when Andre had found her, covered in blood on the bathroom floor of her apartment. It wasn't Jade's fault though, it was so much more than her. Tori was inclined to put more of the blame on her father's unprecedented rejection of her. Her failure to get into any of the college music programs she wanted added to it. She settled on attending UCLA and had taken a few music classes there, but she didn't make it far before switching majors. Her relationship with Leah, her first real girlfriend, had been a failure as well, with the other woman cheating on Tori.

She could not deny that her worst days had always been compounded by Jade's voice in the back of her head telling her that she was nothing. Somewhere Tori convinced herself that Jade was just saying that and didn't mean it, but other times, she was convinced that she did and the pain of that was almost too much to bear. Tori couldn't seem to find any solid footing after the high that had been her time at Hollywood Arts, and so she crashed hard that first year. She kept her grades up, at least well enough, but emotionally she was barely scraping by.

She had been having a particularly bad day, her birthday no less, when she came home and found a picture on her Facebook feed of her father's wedding, which Tori had been unaware of even happening. She saw Trina in the picture though and knew then that she had been expressly uninvited. Looking back, she had a hard time explaining what happened then. There was a sort of rush of thoughts, all terrible, all failures, and she felt at that moment that she was truly nothing. No one really cared. Her own father had abandoned her. Her girlfriend had cheated on her. Her first real love never gave a damn about her. Nothing was going the way she'd always imagined it would. And it hurt. It was an intense pain, deep in her stomach and pounding in her skull, it was ragged breaths and twitching fingers and a completely inability to move through the world without every step exacting a toll of agony. It was far more sorrow than Tori Vega was ever built to handle.

And then she found a pair of scissors and went into her bathroom, wasting no time at all, she dug the edge in deep and dragged it up the length of her forearm, the blood rushing from her head almost immediately. It hurt, but it took away the hollow in her chest and offered relief.

She was barely conscious when Andre arrived. He'd come with balloons to surprise her on her birthday. He called 911 and got her to the hospital. He blamed it on Jade, said she was never the same after their whole affair, and Tori told him about everything else that had happened. And he stayed and took care of her for over a month.

Outside of her immediate family, only Andre knew about it. Until Heather, who recognized the scar on Tori's arm for what it was easily enough. She never pried it out of her, though. And they were together for almost two years before Tori ever told her.

She was better now, after all. She was miserable and lost, but she would never try that again. That was a mistake, a terrible mistake, and she knew better now. She was stronger now. But it would always be part of her and Jade...Jade would always be part of the got up abruptly and started packing. She needed to do this and do it now. It could not wait. She would stay at Andre's for a bit, not with Jade, that was too risky. But she could talk to her. Maybe Andre would come with her. She glanced at the clock. It was only five. If she left within the hour, she could make it to L.A. before told her to wait until morning, but she felt like daylight would offer excuses to stay and she needed to go.

She was on the road by six. She was within an hour of L.A. when she pulled off the 5 to fill her tank. She was making her way back to the freeway when she decided it would be best to give Andre some notice of her arrival. She grabbed her phone and tried to send a text. The car in front of her braked suddenly, but she didn't notice quickly enough to brake herself and instead swerved off the road, her car slamming into a telephone pole.

Tori pushed her airbag out of the way and forced her car door open, stumbling out into the street. Her ears were ringing and her head was throbbing and there were several people around asking if she was alright. She insisted she was, but then felt her head heat up and her whole world went dark.


	21. Give Me One Good Reason Why

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song "Budapest" by George Ezra

"I'm fine," Tori insisted, though the doctor didn't seem to be paying her any attention as he explained to Andre and Jade what to expect from her severe concussion. Her own phone kept buzzing with Trina's frantic calls. She was a little bewildered at how many people were aware of the accident so quickly, but she had reflexively asked them to call her mother, who was out on yet another trip with Gary, so her sister was the next emergency contact that came to mind. She had emphatically insisted they not call the number labeled "Home", though she knew Heather would come racing to her side even with all that had happened. Trina had then called Andre and ordered him to get to Tori and he'd been with Jade at the time, so the actress had come along as well.

"She just needs to rest and take it easy. She's lucky, from what the paramedics told me, she slammed into that tree awful hard," he handed a sheet of paper to him, outlining the basics of after-care for concussions. "I'll fill her discharge papers out in a moment and she can go home."

When the doctor left, Andre took a seat beside Tori on the bed. "What the hell happened?"

"I don't know," she answered. "I was coming down to...to..." she faltered. "I just needed to get out of San Francisco and I remember stopping for gas, but then I was here."

"They said the airbag saved you, but you still hit the side of your head pretty hard on the driver's side window."

She shrugged. "I guess."

"Jade will take you into L.A. I'll go get your stuff from your car and get it towed somewhere."

"The car can wait."

"Tori, you crashed in Northridge. You don't want to leave your stuff there all night."

She was nervous about being alone with Jade, worried it would force a conversation that she needed to have, but that she still wasn't sure how to have.

"I don't-" she was interrupted by a nurse returning with paperwork and before she knew it, she was waving to Andre as he got in a cab and headed to the crash site and she was sitting in the passenger seat with Jade behind the wheel.

They drove in silence for what seemed an interminably long amount of time. Tori tried to think of things to say, but was finding it hard to focus. A side effect, she figured, of banging her head on a car window.

"Why didn't they call Heather?" Jade asked out of nowhere, after nearly twenty minutes of silence.

Tori didn't answer right away, considered pretending not to have heard, but then Jade repeated the question and that tactic seemed less possible. "I don't... we maybe broke up... I'm not sure."

"How are you not sure?"

"She said we needed to take some time apart. I just don't know if she means forever or if she means we should see other people or if we're not supposed to see other people, but not see each other either... I don't know."

"So she broke up with you?"

Tori nodded.

"Why?"

"She...she found out. About you."

"Oh."

"She saw that letter you sent me and-"

"That was none of her business."

"It wasn't...she dropped the mail in the gutter and it got wet. She opened it to that it could dry out and not get ruined and then...she just couldn't not read it. I don't know. It's my fault. I should have told her about us a long time ago."

"I sent that letter like a month ago. You only just got it?"

"No. This happened a month ago. We got the letter on Halloween. Seemed fitting. Your favorite holiday and all."

"So you've been broken up for a month."

Tori nodded. "I've been living in a studio apartment. The apartment we were living in together was hers. Almost all the furniture was hers. And I'm the cheater, so...I've been sleeping on a mattress on the floor and working and I just...I don't know what I'm doing. I needed to get out of there and I thought I'd come stay with Andre for a bit. He's always good at helping people get things sorted out, you know?"

Jade agreed, hesitating a moment before offering an alternative. "You could stay with me. I could help you sort things out."

Tori looked out the passenger side window. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"You helped me. I can...return the favor."

"You are the reason I'm in this situation," Tori snapped, surprising herself. "I mean, it's not your fault. I'm sorry. It's mine. I just mean that...I need to figure things out, figure...my feelings out. And being around you isn't going to help that."

Jade tightened her grip on the steering wheel. "What do you need to figure out, exactly?"

Tori was at a loss for words. She didn't really know what she needed to figure out. She just knew that something needed to change. "You need to sort things out for yourself, Jade. You've been doing so well. I don't want to interfere with that."

"You're the only reason I've done well at all. And this won't ever be over for me. I know that and you know it. So it'll never be a good time. I don't see why we can't help each other at the same time."

"That's not what I...it's not. I don't know, Jade. It just...it doesn't seem like a good idea. You and me...we're always...it'll just be a disaster."

"It wasn't a disaster this summer."

"I cheated on my fiancee with you. While you were in heroin withdrawal. I'd call that a little disastrous."

"I wasn't in withdrawal yet," Jade countered, as if that was the most problematic aspect.

"What do you want from me? I can't...I've been carrying a freakin' torch for you for years and I didn't even realize it. I can't just go and stay with you now."

"Yes you can. My house is bigger than Andre's anyway. It's the more practical decision."

"Jade-"

"I'm the one who messed you up, Tori. I know that. Let me try to help."

"You didn't-"

"Andre told me what happened. What you did-tried to do- in college."

Tori stiffened. "That isn't- that had nothing to do with you."

"I know I didn't help. I know how much I hurt you. Over and over and... I never thought it got to you, really. But I now know it did. I know it wasn't the only thing. But it was part of it. I was part of it. And I'm sorry for that. I never meant to-"

"Just stop talking," Tori interrupted her then. "I don't want to talk about that."

"Tori, I-"

"No, stop," she repeated. "He shouldn't have told you that. I..."

"I'm just trying to say-"

"Please, stop, I can't...I can't talk about that, OK? I can't. Not now. I just can't."

"OK. We don't need to talk about it. I just wanted you to know that...I know. And I'm sorry."

"I know you never meant-look, this is exactly why I can't stay with you, OK? I need to sort things out and you... this summer was different because I was OK. Or I thought I was. And you weren't and I could focus on you, so I didn't need to focus on me, but I need to-"

"You took care of me, now I can take care of you."

"Jade," Tori groaned.

"I need things to focus on other than myself. It works out for both of us. If you're broken up with Heather, I don't see the problem."

Tori sighed. Maybe there wasn't really a problem. It just...seemed like a bad idea. Like how in the back of her mind, her and Jade had always seemed like a bad idea. But it was a bad idea she'd never been able to convince herself not to pursue in the past, and hard as she was trying now, Jade was finally fighting for her this time and that was going to make it so much harder. "Why do you want me to stay with you?"

"For all the reasons I've already said. I want to help. I need to try to make it up to you."

"Make what up?"

"Everything."

"Jade-"

Her knuckles were white on the steering wheel and her eyes fixed on the road. "I love you, Tori."

_Oh God, no...no...not that. Why? How can I say no now? How long have I wanted to hear that? From her, of all people?_

Tori opened her mouth the reply, but found no words. She knew Jade well enough to know that the other woman's mind was racing with any number of interpretations of her silence, none of which were good. She knew her well enough to know how hard it was for her to say those words and how hard it was not to hear them back. And worst of all, Tori knew that she did love Jade, had always loved Jade, but for some reason now the words stuck in her throat. It seemed like saying them would fix her on a course she wasn't sure she wanted to be on, or rather wasn't sure she should be on.

The last fifteen minutes of their drive were as silent as the beginning, but as she followed Jade into her house, she knew the night was far from over for them.


	22. Now I'm A Stranger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song "I Wanna Get Better" by Bleachers

Tori winced when Jade flipped the lights on in the entry way, the sight of herself in a mirror a little alarming, all disheveled with a white bandage wrapped around head to cover the two stitches on her left temple.

"Do you want anything to drink?" Jade asked as she lead the way into the kitchen.

Tori shook her head and took a seat at the island while Jade poured herself a glass of water.

"How's your head feeling?"

"It hurts."

Jade rolled her eyes. "Obviously. I just meant- is it just like a bad headache or what?"

Tori shrugged. "Kind of. But I feel sort of lightheaded too. And really tired. I'm not supposed to sleep with a concussion though, right?"

"No, you can," Jade answered. "Weren't you listening to the doctor?"

"Maybe?"

"Well, you can sleep."

"Ok."

Jade looked down at the glass in her hand. "You'll stay here, then?"

"Tonight. I guess I have no choice. But tomorrow-"

"Why do you think its such a bad idea? I know I was a bitch to you in high school. And I'm still pretty much a bitch most of the time, but I won't ever make you feel like you're nothing, Tori. Why did you stay this summer and help me if you don't..." she hesitated. "I know you still feel something for me. None of this would've happened if you didn't."

"That doesn't matter. It's still a bad idea."

"Who turned you against me, at last?" Jade asked then, more hurt than angry. "After everything I did, you never gave up on me, but now you've suddenly realized that I'm a terrible person who doesn't deserve-"

"Stop it, I didn't say that, Jade," Tori interrupted then. "I'm not giving up on you. I just think we need some time apart."

"We spent ten years apart."

"I know, but-" Tori still couldn't find a solid argument. "Can we talk about this in the morning? I'm exhausted and I can't think straight and-"

"Fine," Jade interrupted. "Let's go to bed."

Tori pushed herself off the bar-stool and made her way toward the stairs. Jade followed, turning the lights off behind them.

At the top of the stairs, Tori made to enter the guest bedroom, but Jade grabbed her by the crook of the elbow and dragged her into her room instead. "You slept in here every night this summer, despite your fiancee, you've no reason to sleep in the guest room now."

Tori didn't have the energy to protest, so she didn't. Instead, she followed weakly and passed out from sheer exhaustion as soon as she hit the pillow.

* * *

She awoke a few hours later in the dark of the room, the clock at her bedside table reading 4:31. It took a moment for her to realize she was alone in the bed. Quietly, she turned over, where she caught sight of the other woman's silhouette sitting in the window, a mug gripped tight in hand, appearing to be staring out at the night sky.

Aside from their few trysts in the janitor's closet at school, most of their more illicit high school encounters always happened in the dead of night. Under cover of darkness, where no prying eyes might see. No matter where she'd been in the last ten years, there was always something about night time that made her think of Jade, even if only for the most fleeting moment. It was strange, how often she thought of Jade without realizing she was thinking about her; the littlest things that would make her smile and she thought nothing of it. Even when other people would ask "what is it?" she never had an answer for them. And she wasn't lying. She wasn't deliberately refusing to say. She didn't know why something in the cool night breeze made her smile, the way the wind feels more palpable under starlight. She loved the sun, she loved the daylight, and she always had. But there was something special about the night, something she could never quite put her finger on.

And now it just seemed so obvious. Jade was what made the darkness so alluring. She was what made it just as bright as the day. Why hadn't she realized that sooner?

She opened her mouth to speak, but as they had so much of late, words failed her. There was still something holding her back. She thought, in passing, if it would take her another ten years to figure out what that was. That was the last thought she remembered before falling back asleep.

It was nearly eleven when Tori awoke the second time. She pulled herself out of bed, her body aching, her head pounding, and made her way gingerly down the stairs, toward the sound of voices.

She peeked around the corner into the kitchen as quietly as she could, only to be met by both Jade and Andre's gaze. Evidently she had not been as quiet as she'd hoped.

"Morning sunshine," Andre greeted, raising his mug to her. "How's the noggin?"

Tori forced a half-smile.

"Sit," Jade ordered. "I made breakfast."

"I'm not really that hungry."

"Too bad, you're eating. Sit."

"Doctor said you need to be sure to eat," Andre explained, as Tori took a seat beside him.

A moment later, Jade set down a plate of waffles in front of her. "Coffee, tea, water, or OJ?"

"Um..."

"You should avoid the coffee, I think," Andre said. "I think it said something about caffeine in the papers the doc gave us."

"I'll just have water," she decided then.

"So good news is I got to your car before any Northridgians did. Bad news is, the car is pretty much a goner. Insurance is probably going to total it."

"You need to call Trina," Jade interrupted. "She's literally called me every twenty minutes for the past four hours. Did you give her my number?"

"I might have," Tori answered, though she was genuinely not sure. "I can't remember."

Annoyed as she clearly was, Jade didn't complain further and Tori called Trina shortly after breakfast.

* * *

Later, in the afternoon, Tori was lying on the couch, watching Jade feed her fish.

"Is everyone getting along in there yet?" she asked.

"It's better. I put the angelfish in a quarantine tank for a couple days, then rearranged the rocks, and then reintroduced it once everyone else had settled into their updated surroundings. It's sort of like the new kid now, so there's less bullying."

"I never even realized fish were that complicated," Tori said, laughing a little, then frowning because laughter made her head hurt. "Is the sailingfin doing good? The one I picked out?"

"Sailfin," Jade corrected. "Yeah, she's doing good. She had a rough patch when I first put her in, but she's found her place now. She's not quite the queen of the tank like the other one was, but she's on her way I think. She keeps the angelfish in line whenever it seems like it might get a little feisty again."

"And the other fish?"

"The damsel is the same as always. Nothing phases him. The gramma and the jawfish are a bit more outgoing, now that the whole hierarchy has been disrupted. The jawfish still avoids everyone most of the time, but the gramma comes out periodically. The wrasse still speeds around like a maniac and is kind of obnoxious, but not as bad as it used to be."

"So you still want me to stay?" Tori asked then, abruptly changing the subject, surprising herself as she did so.

Jade turned to face her. "Yes, I do."

"I don't...if it doesn't work out, I don't want to have to worry that you'll start using again. I don't want that to be my fault."

"That can't be your fault," Jade interrupted. "That's on me, always. I can't promise you I won't ever use again. I'm trying, but I won't promise it. But if I do, it's not on you. Not ever."

Tori seemed unconvinced, but said nothing.

Jade sat down on the couch beside her. "Besides, it'll work out."

"Suddenly you're the optimistic one? That how it is now?"

"No, the world still pretty much sucks. But it'll suck a little bit less if you stay here."

"So romantic."

"Just as romantic as you thinking we're doomed before we begin."

"I guess."

"So will you stay?"

"Yes."


	23. Howling Ghosts, They Reappear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song "King and Lionheart" by Of Monsters and Men

It had been a strange three weeks. They talked, but not all that much and not about anything, really. Tori was uncharacteristically aloof and preoccupied and Jade was trying her damnedest to be a decent human being, to not be demanding and pushy like she'd always been. Tori had been through a rough few weeks, so she just had to wait it out. Even if patience had never been a strong point of hers.

It seemed easier when Andre joined them. In something of a 180 from his attitude six months before, he was completely on board with the idea of Tori staying with Jade, had even proposed the idea of them hosting a holiday get–together for their friends. Trina usually came out to L.A. for Christmas anyway, and this year, Beck would be coming along with her. Andre was confident he could get Robbie to come and it could be almost like old times. Neither Tori nor Jade were particularly fond of the idea, but somehow they had agreed to it anyway and now the day had arrived.

So Tori was in the kitchen trying to help Andre make dinner and he was trying to make her leave so that the meal wasn't ruined. Robbie was picking up Beck and Trina from the airport. Jade was on the phone with her stylist about an event she'd be attending two days later. Some holiday fundraiser or whatever hosted by the Screen Actors Guild. Not being the merriest person, Jade was not a common sight at holiday parties, but she'd been in hiding for long enough and she finally felt ready to get out in the limelight again and it happened to be December, so a holiday party it was.

"This is my grandma's recipe, Tori, I can handle it myself," he insisted, stepping in between her and the stove-top. "You already warmed the bread rolls to a crisp. So just go call Robbie and ask him to pick up some more bread on the way in? That will be helpful."

"I'm sorry about the bread! I didn't realize-"

"That 450 degrees for fifteen minutes was a bit much for warming bread? Go call, you are better with a phone than an oven."

She glared at him.

"Get Jade after, I need help with something."

"I can help-"

"I'll have a job for you too."

"Really?"

"Call them before they get here and we have no bread."

"Right," she nodded and obeyed.

After talking with Robbie, she found Jade in her room, having just finished her call. "Hey, Andre wants you downstairs to help with something."

"Is my kitchen still intact?" she asked, still able to smell the smoke in the air from the bread incident.

"Yes," Tori rolled her eyes. "It wasn't _that_ bad."

"You look good," Jade said then, tilting her head to the side and reaching out to brush a lock of hair aside on Tori's forehead, where the scar from her accident was slowly vanishing.

Tori recoiled slightly. "You too. Let's go."

"Tori…"

She stopped and turned back around in the doorway. "Yeah?"

 _Why are you being like this?_ She wanted to ask, but instead, redirected her question to the gala. "Anne said she'd email some pictures tonight. You can take a look at them and then we can go get you fitted tomorrow. It's too last minute for anything custom, but…"

"Wait, for the fundraiser thing? I'm going?"

"Well, yeah, I figured you would be my plus one," Jade answered, as though it should be obvious.

Tori shook her head. "No, I can't…it's televised isn't it?"

"There will be some singers belting out Christmas music, most likely," her disdain at the thought was apparent. "So that, at least, will be televised. Why does that mean you can't go?"

"I—just…look, Heather always watches those kinds of things."

"So?"

"So…I don't want her to see me with… I just mean, I don't want to hurt her any more than I already have."

"It's been over a month since you guys broke up."

"I know, but…"

"Fine, don't come. Whatever. Andre needs help, right?" she pushed past Tori and made her way down the stairs.

The tension in the kitchen was palpable when the others arrived, but they did their best to overlook it. Jade aggressively chopped vegetables while Tori was charged with counting napkins, making sure there were enough for every possible mishap. Andre was finishing up with his gravy.

"I come bearing bread," Robbie announced as he entered.

"Why'd you send this guy to pick me up?" Trina asked her sister, who greeted her with an eye roll and a hug.

It wasn't long before they were at the table and somehow it was almost like old times. Beck was talking about a role he'd booked in a play at a community theater, nothing fancy, but he was excited nonetheless. He hadn't auditioned for anything in a couple years, but then a friend at the bar told him about this one and he figured it might be fun to give it a try. The way he was talking about it, small as it may be, it was clear something had been reignited in him.

Jade was quiet, which was maybe less like old times, but no one seemed too concerned about it, except Tori, but she knew better than to address it publicly.

"So, Toro, what are you doing now that you're back in L.A.?" Robbie asked.

"I'm not entirely sure," she answered. "I put in a request for a transfer at work. They have offices down here, so that's probably what I'll do if I can't figure something else out."

"Maybe you should try performing again?" Beck proposed. "I mean, even if it's just some small talent show kind of thing. I mean, I pay the bills with bar-tending, but even if it's only ever going to be a hobby, acting is what I love and I'd almost forgotten that."

"You should sing again, Tori," Andre agreed. "You were really something."

She shrugged, clearly uncomfortable with the direction the conversation had gone. "Who knows, maybe."

"Jade probably has connections," Robbie said.

"She'd actually need to go places with me and meet them though," Jade retorted suddenly, speaking for the first time since greeting everyone.

The silence that followed was broken by Trina. "Well, already trouble in paradise, huh?"

Tori shot her an icy glare and she turned her attention back to her plate.

Andre started talking about the food and how his grandma had kept a journal of her recipes and she'd ripped it to pieces for fear of aliens stealing them. He'd spent days taping the pages back together.

While the rest of the group continued conversing, Jade and Tori spoke very little the remainder of the agreed to get together with everyone once more before Trina and Beck flew back to New York.

Tori fully expected the battle to begin once the last of them left, but instead, Jade maintained the silent treatment.

And she kept it up for two full days.

It was nearly midnight when Jade made it home from the SAG event. Tori was sitting on the staircase, waiting up for her, ready to force a conversation out of her. Jade had left before one to meet her stylist and get ready, so Tori had the better part of ten hours to plan what she would say.

But when Jade shut the door and faced her, everything she'd planned left her head. "Hey," she barely managed to force the words out.

Jade looked stunning in a simple strapless black dress, floor-length and form-fitting.

"You look…" Tori stammered. "You look amazing."

Jade was not flattered, however, and instead pushed past Tori up the stairs.

"Jade," she called in protest, following her up to the bedroom. "Look, I'm sorry I didn't go with you, but it's not like… I mean, I just want-"

"Do you even want to be here? With me?" Jade snapped, suddenly turning to face her.

"What?"

"It doesn't seem like you do. You barely say anything, you're always avoiding me, you pull away from me whenever I try to touch you. And I want you here, I do, but I don't want you here if you're just here out of guilt or pity. If you don't actually want to be here, then go."

Tori was certain Jade had intended those words to be much more venomous, but they didn't come out that way.

"Well?" Jade asked, getting angrier with each second of silence. "Do you want to be here?"

Tori thought about it a moment, then sighed. "Do you remember the first time?"

"What?"

"You sneaked into my room in the middle of the night and scared me half to death."

_She was fast asleep and jarred into wakefulness by a hand over her mouth. She tried to scream._

_"Shh, it's me, it's just me," Jade hissed, removing her hand once her identity registered with Tori._

_"Oh my God, you nearly gave me a heart-attack," Tori gasped. "What are you doing here? Is everything all right?"_

_"Not really, no," Jade replied simply, before leaning down and kissing her._

Jade crossed her arms, wondering if Tori had a point. "What about it?"

"You remember after… after we…were…"

"Had sex. Tori, you're twenty-eight."

"You tried to leave. You grabbed my chin and made me look you in the eye and told me not to tell anyone, ever."

_Her nails were digging into the side of her chin, but Tori barely noticed. "Do you understand? Tell nobody."_

_Tori nodded._

_"Promise me," Jade commanded._

_"I promise," she replied. "I won't tell."_

_Jade let go of her face and started feeling around in the dark for her shirt._

_"You don't have to go," Tori said, sitting up behind her. "It's late and it's not safe outside anyway. You can sleep here."_

_Jade let out a bitter half-laugh as she pulled her shirt over her head._

_"Stay," Tori repeated, putting a hand on her shoulder._

_Jade twisted away from her hand almost immediately. "Don't touch me."_

_"Sorry," she apologized._

_Jade sat on the edge of the bed in silence for several minutes before she climbed back under the covers and laid down next to Tori, resting her head on the other girl's chest._

_Tori didn't say anything, for fear that any words out of her mouth would send Jade running. She rested her chin atop her head and wrapped her arms around her._

"I remember thinking," Tori mused. "How it felt…it wasn't weird. Like I thought it would be weird, laying in bed with Jade West. Holding you like that. It seemed like it should be strange and it wasn't. It was just so…normal."

Jade nodded and waited for Tori to continue recounting the shared memory.

"In the morning, I woke up before you. And I thought…I wanted to wake up like that every day. But then you woke up."

Jade looked down at the ground.

"And you shoved me away and pulled on your shoes and told me not to tell anyone, again. And, again, I promised I wouldn't and I said you could have breakfast with us. My parents wouldn't have thought anything of it. Dad was home that morning and he was almost never home in the mornings, so he would be making us chocolate chip pancakes. And you looked at me like I was…I don't know. It was like I was the worst thing you could be looking at, but at the same time, you seemed like…"

"I wanted to stay. I always wanted to stay. I just didn't want to want it."

"That's kind of what I'm feeling right now," Tori said, stepping closer to her. "I feel like this is a bad idea. And I feel like it's going to end badly for both of us. I don't know why I do. Maybe just because it always has. But even if it does...I've always wanted to be here. With you. Always. And I know I always will."


	24. Someday Drawing You Different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song "Love and Some Verses" by Iron & Wine

"This is a terrible idea!" Robbie hissed as Beck picked the lock.

"Relax, Rob," he replied, feeling the handle give way. He pushed open the door and the six of them slipped inside, flipping a few lights on, but not enough to draw attention. After two hours of drinking and dancing at the Vega house, with stupid streamers and party hats and those obnoxious horn things, Andre had made a joke about them swinging by Hollywood Arts since it was so close. As all but Jade were inebriated, it seemed like a great idea and now here they were, returned to their old stomping grounds.

Once inside, Trina rushed off to the restroom and the others dispersed to see what had become of their lockers. They did so silently, like it was a sort of instinctive response.

"Man, you remember how long it took me to come up with a tune for this? I must've tried a hundred different ones before I found one I actually liked," Andre laughed, fingering the spaces where piano keys had been. It was now a weird montage of blues and greens.

Beck nodded. "This kid's trying too hard," he tapped his old locker. It was white with charcoal sketching and quotes from Shakespeare about acting all over it.

"Maybe, but you didn't try hard enough, yours was just plastic," Andre smirked.

"Hey, I had no secrets, neither did my locker. An open book."

"You were lazy."

"Maybe kind of boring, too," Beck chuckled with a shrug.

Just around the corner Tori was looking at her locker. It had been a deep, dark blue, covered in stars, with the words 'Make It Shine', all of which lit up thanks to Sinjin's handiwork. She glanced down at where his locker, covered in spit up food- she gagged a bit at the memory- had been. Her locker now was still covered in stars, albeit this new student did it much differently. Her stars were jagged and the sky behind was black. At the bottom, rather than words, the stars were made to look like they were sort of...dripping, it seemed. At the bottom, the pooled and formed a crescent moon. Tori didn't quite know what to make of it, and would have had an even tougher time were she sober, but she found it oddly comforting that there were still stars on her locker, after all this time. She traced her finger around the moon pool, singing to herself, her voice barely above a whisper: "Here I am, once again...feeling lost..."

She rested her buzzing forehead against the cool metal and tilted, eyeing Jade and Robbie across the way. It was darker over where they were, the hall light Beck had turned on being partially blocked by the corner.

Robbie sighed heavily before leaning against Jade's locker, his head turned sideways so he could see his own. The baby bottle tops were gone, of course, and the locker was instead decorated with pieces of wood. Nothing carved or anything, just...chunks of wood. It was odd.

"Hey, Jade," he said, taking his glasses off and wiping them on his shirt before continuing. "I just...wanted to say...since it's New Year's and everything...and...I wanted to say I'm sorry. For how I acted after Cat...it's...I know you never meant for that to happen."

"It's alright."

"No, she was your oldest friend, I mean, I shouldn't have-"

"Robbie, stop talking," she commanded abruptly, turning to walk away from him before stopping a few feet away. "I'm sorry," she turned back to face him. "Of course I never wanted that to happen, but one way or another, it was my fault and I'm always going to be sorry for that. But thanks anyway."

He nodded quietly and left to join the others across the hall. Jade made to follow him, but her eyes wandered back to her locker now that he'd moved.

No scissors were angrily stabbed into it. Instead, it was painted blue and had seven colorful fish painted on it. She smirked to herself.

"My locker is soo boring now!" Trina bellowed as she rounded the corner and rejoined everyone. "It's just a bunch of flowers!"

"To be fair, it would be creepy if the new student had a collage of you all over their locker," Beck said, slipping an arm around her waist.

"It was kind of creepy when _you_ had a collage of yourself all over your locker," Andre remarked. Trina poked her tongue out at him and the others laughed before becoming briefly preoccupied with examining some of the other lockers.

Jade came up behind Tori quietly, slipping her arms around from behind and hugging her close.

Tori was only slightly startled, but leaned back into Jade, continuing to sing the opening lines of what had been her mantra. "Here I am, once again, feeling lost..."

Jade waited for her to continue, but she didn't.

"I'm really proud of you, you know. It's been over six months."

"I know."

"Once again, feeling lost... I can't remember the next part. I sang this song a million times. Here I am, once again, feeling lost..."

"But now and then, I breathe it in, to let it go," Jade finished for her. "... whatever that means. Got to be honest, that was never a favorite of mine."

"I know," Tori let out a sleepy half-laugh. "It means everything is going to be OK."

"Huh?"

"Now and then I breathe it in to let it go...just means it's gonna be OK."

"If you say so, Vega."

Tori turned around to face her. "I do say so."

"Alright," Jade smirked, amused by the drunken gravity of Tori's voice.

"Hey, it's almost midnight!" Trina shrieked all of a sudden.

They all looked at their phones, as if they doubted her exclamation. "It is!"

Robbie pulled up a countdown app on his Pear Pad then. "Forty seconds to go!"

"Thirty-eight...thirty-seven...thirty-"

"Wait," Jade interrupted them. "Let's go to Cat's locker."

Tori squeezed her hand and the others all nodded in agreement, rushing down the hall to where their bubbly red-headed friend's locker had been ten years before.

It wasn't her locker anymore, but they all knew the spot, all stopped in front of it to resume their countdown. "Ten...Nine...Eight...Seven...Six..."

 _This year will be better,_ Jade thought. _It needs to be._ She looked over at Tori, who was wearing a stupid shiny pointy party hat and who still had a scar on her temple, who was leaning on her heavily and smiling and counting down to the new year with everyone else, whatever that means.

"Five!"

Why was January first any different than December thirty-first? Why was the difference any greater than the difference between June thirtieth and July first? Nothing really changed when the year changed. People just liked to pretend that it would be a new start.

"Four!"

You can start over anytime. It doesn't need to be a holiday.

"Three!"

It just needs to be what you want to do. Whenever you want to do it.

"Two!"

Maybe its easier for people to have a day on the calendar they can plan on making a change.

"One!"

And maybe sometimes that change is made when it has to be, whether it fits into your plans or not.

"Happy New Year!"

Jade snapped out of her brief reverie then, turning her attention to Tori, who blew that stupid party horn right in her face. She scowled at her and slipped her finger up under the string holding Tori's party hat on, snapping it against her chin. Tori yelped, dropping her horn, and glared at Jade, who then pulled her in for a kiss.

Robbie and Andre were blowing into their party horns as hard as they could and popping the streamers; Beck and Trina joined in after finishing their own New Year's kiss. Jade broke her kiss with Tori, resting her forehead against the other woman's. "Happy New Year, Vega."

"Happy New Year, Jade," she responded, smiling warmly. "It's going to be good one."

"Getting back to your sickening optimism, are you?"

Her grin widened and she sang out: "Here I am, once again, feeling lost, but now and then..."

"Oh my God," Jade rolled her eyes.

"I breathe it in, to let it go..." Andre joined in.

By the time they got to the chorus, Beck, Trina, and Robbie had all joined in. All drunk and off-key, but everyone laughing.

Jade groaned loudly, but couldn't deny that this drunken rendition was maybe the best version of the song she'd ever heard.


	25. Epilogue: Give Up the Ghost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song "Give Up the Ghost" by Radiohead

When she steps foot on the cemetery lawn, she stops in her tracks and closes her eyes for a moment. She can hear Tori getting out of the passenger side and making her way around the car to join her. It's been just over a year since they last stood there, when they lowered Cat into the earth. Work had prevented Jade from getting there on the actual anniversary, or she blamed it on work at least.

Tori doesn't say anything, just waits patiently for Jade to take the step forward, waits for her to be ready. She takes her hand and gives it an encouraging squeeze and Jade feels like she can do this after all, so she steps forward and Tori stays at her side.

It's been a long year, Jade thinks when they stop at the grave. Such a very long year.

Tori takes a seat on the grass, though she doesn't let go of Jade's hand and the other woman remains standing.

"Hey Cat," she says to the earth, her voice barely audible. "We've missed you."

But they aren't really here for that. Of course they've missed her and wherever she is, she knows that, Tori is certain.

This is about Jade. It'd always been about Jade. She needed to make her final amends.

She'd written a letter to Cat, as she had to everyone else, but she didn't open it. She simply sat it next to the tombstone.

"I'm not sure how to do this."

Tori shrugged. "There isn't a right or wrong way, Jade. She knows you're sorry. Is there anything else you want to tell her? I can leave, give you some privacy..."

"No, stay," Jade gripped her hand tighter, inhaling deeply, recalling a time long past with the bubbly redhead, maybe three months after Tori Vega had wowed everyone with her big showcase and waltzed in to dethrone Jade West as the school's top talent.

_"I think you and Tori would make a cute couple!" Cat giggled, hugging her purple giraffe as she sat cross-legged on Jade's bed._

_"What?!" Jade intended to sound more repulsed and less worried, but she didn't succeed._

_"I know you're always mean to her, but I think it's like when Tom Bollings used to pick on me in grade school and my Nona always said it was because he liked me."_

_"I'm mean to Tori because I don't like her."_

_"Uh huh," Cat nodded, giving Jade an exaggerated wink._

_"I don't," Jade insisted, annoyed that Cat appeared to actually believe otherwise._

_"Your secret's safe with me!" Cat chirped, motioning to zip her mouth shut._

_"Cat-"_

_"I know you, Jade. I know how you are. I've only known Tori for a little bit, but I can tell. But don't worry. I'll keep your secret. I think you'd be happier if you didn't keep it secret though. And she's even prettier than Beck!"_

Jade half-laughed. "You were right, Cat. About so many things. I should have listened to you a long time ago."

Tori nodded in agreement, though she didn't know what Jade was specifically talking about. "It's been a whole year," Tori breathed when it seemed Jade wasn't going to say anything else.

"It doesn't seem like she's been gone that long," Jade said as she finally took a seat on the grass beside Tori.

"No, it doesn't. But that's not what I meant. Today you are officially one year clean and sober."

Jade nodded, but didn't take her eyes off the tombstone.

"That's a huge accomplishment, Jade," Tori continues. "And I know most support groups and things have medallions or whatever to commemorate hitting the one year mark, but you didn't do this with a group, you did it yourself."

"I did it with you. I could never have done it without-"

"It was you," Tori interrupted. "The credit is yours. The accomplishment is yours, and so I didn't think a medallion was right for you, since you did it on your own instead. Anyway, here." she shoved a small rectangular box at Jade.

"What's this?"

"Well, open it."

Inside the box was a tiny glass figurine.

"It's a sailingfin tang!"

"Sailfin," Jade corrected, absentmindedly wondering if Tori was deliberately messing up the name at this point.

"Whatever, this is your one year token. It's fragile, so maybe not the most practical."

Jade stared at the tiny brown and yellow striped fish figurine in the palm of her hand.

"I didn't do this on my own, Tori. You carried me through it. You carried me the whole time."

Tori leaned in her, slipping her arm around the other woman's waist. "I just kept you fed and watered."

"What, like a dog or a plant?"

"I just mean that I helped with the superficial stuff. But its an internal thing and I couldn't relate. I've never had...in groups you can at least talk to other people who've been there too. I haven't, so it's not like I've been providing any insight or essential support. I just made sure you didn't die."

"You say that like it's a small thing."

"Why are you making it so difficult for me to congratulate you?"

"Sorry."

"Do you like the fish?"

"I do."

"Good."

"One year isn't the end though," Jade said then, her voice wavering somewhere between dread and hope.

"No, it's only the beginning," Tori agreed. "But it's a good start. A really good start."

"And you'll be here to help me the rest of the way?"

"I will."

Jade let out a shaky breath. "I think maybe I'll be able to manage it then."

"You will. I know you will," Tori smiled, not the faintest bit of anything other than absolute certainty in her smile.


End file.
